Month: April 2017

Dan and I went on a training date today.  Ya know, I hafta say… as much as I sometimes hate working Saturdays – I do very much love having a weekday off.  There’s ups and downs to it – I’m expected to use my days off for personal errands and such while Monday through Friday people use vacation/sick hours and keep their days off as days off; meanwhile I’m over here using my vacation hours for vacation – it’s a wash I guess.

Anywho…. I digress.  Today was a day of kayaking and biking.  Dan asked when I wanted to head out – I turned to him with a scowl, “when I’m finished with my 2nd cup of coffee – why’s everything gotta be [then I snapped my fingers right,left,right,left,right,left – frantically, raising them higher in the air with each snap and snapping harder].  Dan says, “ooooookaaaayyyyy I just wondered if you had a specific time in mind.” (it can’t be any fun to be married to me).

I walked into the kitchen for that 2nd cup of coffee and my eyes shot immediately to the paper towel in front of Abby – 2 halos (cuties? the small mandarin fruit thingys) and a banana; meanwhile Cal, Alex and I collided, knocking shit off the counter, all reaching for the last munchkin powdered donut (that’s actually not true but only because we didn’t have any).  Abby loves the healthy stuff – we’re pretty certain she ain’t ours.  I am convinced Satan is down below playing with this chubby, little redheaded girl… we got his.

We got the kids off to school, got dressed for our day, borrowed Annie and Barry’s trailer, loaded everything up and were on our way by 9:30am.  I immediately started bitching because we were getting such a late start…  how Dan didn’t shove an oar up my ass is a testament to his easy-going nature.

Getting back to the loading up of our kayaks and bikes…  we’ve borrowed the trailer a couple times (2? 3?) and every time – when it’s empty, awaiting kayaks and when it’s full, awaiting unloading – Dan drives right on past the shed which houses the stuff to be loaded or unloaded.  This morning – while irate about our late start – I said, “is there some reason you feel compelled to drive beyond the shed every.single.time?”  He just looked over at me, shrugged his shoulders and put it into reverse. [I’m sure I bring some positives to his life – just haven’t been able to nail down what exactly they might be…]

By the time we dropped off the kayaks, oars, life vests, etc at the launch site, then drove to and  parked the car/trailer at the end of the course then drove back to the kayaks – it was almost 11 o’clock – I was reaching peak Karenness.  But finally – we were on the water…..

Almost immediately the grunting and groaning started behind me.

“agh my arms – my pecs actually…”

“my left hand is asleep already”

“arrrggghhhh”

In an unprecedented show of sportsmanship I said, “you don’t have to stay behind me – I’ve left my ego on the shore, you can get out in front of me… I’ll be cool about it.”

“no way… I have to keep resting – between my hand falling asleep and being sore from lifting the other day… I’m just doing what I can.”

[Dan has recently joined some family members at the gym – these guys are seasoned, Dan is a neophyte and on top of it all – Dan’s got 20 or so years on these boys…]

“ugh”

“mmmmmmmm, oiy”

“I’ve never been this sore after lifting… is your back hurting?”

I was able to ignore him only by concentrating on our surroundings, the area we were kayaking was breathtaking… I turned my head to point out a particularly beautiful area…  no Dan.  I turned to the right… no Dan…

*panic sets in*

I steadied myself and turned from the waist – all I could see was the nose-end of a red kayak all but resting on the back of my kayak. “ARE YOU DRAFTING ME????”

“yeah…”

We finished our 3 miles.  Dan “docked” first (there’s not an actual dock just spots of minimal “shore”) – then said, “just get your nose in here, I’ll pull you up.”  Well, hell… I couldn’t allow that shit, he managed to get himself up, I could too.  And I did, too – with tremendous difficulty.  No lie… in this triathlon my most feared ‘event’ is getting my ass outta the kayak in a timely manner.  But, I got out dammit!  It was literally slicing away at Dan’s heart to have me drag my kayak up by myself.  “I could at least get your oars for you……………. but I know you want to do it yourself……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..how but I just get these oars for you.”  We are so different, not only would I not have helped him – I’d’a probably thrown his oars into the river….

Then onto the biking.  I think I may have mentioned my disdain for this activity… I was literally gasping for air before we got out of the parking lot.  We were cruising along at a decent clip when I started bitching (between the gulping for oxygen) about my awful biking prowess; Dan’s words of encouragement? “yeah… I guess I’ll jump into a higher gear otherwise this is like a casual outing with the kids.  That’s not a shot at you….”

You are a dickhead – that IS a shot at you.

My kids used to always preface shitty comments with ‘no offense’ – like, ‘no offense Abby… but I was able to do that math way before 4th grade…’

Just for the record people – starting with ‘no offense’ or ending with ‘that’s not a shot at you’ does not absolve you of being an asshole; it’s still offensive and you *are* actually taking a shot at someone. …probably best to just bypass the whole statement if you need to tell somebody how “not mean” it is.

No matter – Dan is a bicycling freak – I actually wasn’t that put out by his not-taking-a-shot-at-me, it actually made me chuckle.   At some point he dropped back and just when I’d convinced myself I’d worn him down… with no effort at all he came up next to me, “I was drafting you again… nah, that’s a lie; I was staring at your ass…”

not the time for it yo….. not.the.time.

The second half of the ride is much easier than the 1st half – but I, admittedly, began to struggle with about 2.7 miles to go.  I was pushing myself… pedaling with everything I had, sweat just dripping, doing my fair share of grunting, crouched as low as I could get to cut down on wind resistance…

I’m not gonna lie – it was at this point I started wondering a) if a person can force herself into cardiac arrest and b) could I muster the energy to do it… I looked way up ahead and there was Dan – out for a damned joy ride, taking in the fucking scenery… I swear I saw a robin land on his handlebars and heard them whistle a duet.  ‘No offense but the only reason I didn’t jam a large fucking stick into your sprocket is because I couldn’t catch up to you.’

Dan loaded up the bikes (I didn’t even attempt indignation – load them bitches up, I’ll be in the car….) then we set off to get the other car and head home.  To his credit, Dan stopped the trailer right in front of the shed this time…

Let me say this about all of that… I am so lucky for so many reasons.  Because we live in an area that is so beautiful – kayaking today was absolutely amazing.  Because I have the physical abilities to do this – albeit slowly and with lots of aches and pains.  Because I have the time to devote to this event – although my house is suffering and my hours of sleep are taking a hit.  Because it has brought my family closer – we’ve spent hours and hours biking and kayaking.  Not to mention, Alex just found out she is not eligible to play in a softball tournament the day of the event – she was thrilled, she so badly wants to watch me do this.

But mostly because I have a husband who is so incredibly supportive of my cockamamie ideas.  He makes it all possible; whether he’s taking my bike to the shop, helping me find the drop off points out in the middle of BFE, paddling with me even though his pecs are sore, carrying my oars… My husband is so much better than your husband… that’s not a shot at you…

 

What a great family day the 5 I’s had a week ago Saturday (don’t worry – it was a typical 5 I’s family day… hang in there – the swearing really picks up by the end).

We had a unicorn day – we’ve heard about days like these… we just never actually see them.  I was off, Dan was off and not a single kid had a single obligation.  If  you’re like us (and most people are….) do yourself a favor and find a way to have  a unicorn day.

So, we finally got the opportunity to sleep in a little… wouldn’t you know that bitch April the giraffe decided to have her baby on this very morning.  Long-legged, neck-bending asshole…  I’ve watched her and her dumbass non-progressing pregnancy for 7 weeks.  Every day for 50 plus days I pulled her up on Youtube by 6am… the ONE DAY I sleep in… she starts pushing that thing out.

I came downstairs to about 75 messages on my phone… ok… maybe not 75 – but I had some people blowing up my phone.  I pulled up Youtube just in time to see some hooves (hoofs?) and a baby giraffe head sticking out of April’s nether region… uhhhhhh no coffee, I’m good thanks….  Abby was already up  (and loudly conversing with whoever the hell it is that she talks to constantly… you think I’m kidding about her……) so Dan raced back upstairs to wake the other two.  It cracks me the hell up that they came running down….

The 5 of us sat huddled around my laptop watching for almost 2 hours – pushing, pushing, pushing, birth… holy hell… somebody should warn a person about that.  As a previous birth-specialist who only had C-sections, I gotta say – the stuff that followed that baby giraffe out was…… ghastly.  Why in God’s name would they show that?  Who decided that camera was a good idea????  yyyyuck.

Anyway, by 11:30 or so I’d had enough.  I asked Cal  (who mentioned -a few times- that as a pitcher, he needed to run at least once during the weekend ) to accompany me on a run.  He was not even remotely interested.  He was just slightly more interested after I suggested some cleaning in lieu of the running.  Dan chimed in with the idea of a family bike ride… asshole.

dear God I abhor biking.

Alas, my kids love it and Dan loves it and I needed to get some pedaling in so… off we went.

The trail is quite beautiful – serene and calming… or at least it might have been if we’d’ve left Abby at home.  Honestly, you’d think we keep our kids tethered to their beds by the way they acted on that trail.  I kept shouting, “you do realize you’re going downhill… seems all fun and games right now… til we hafta go UPHILL to the car.”  It was kinda heartwarming to watch them enjoying themselves so much (it was also a little satisfying knowing their asses were gonna get kicked when we turned around – all they had to do was respect my knowledge and experience….).

We went 1.5 miles downhill then turned and went 3 miles uphill… Alex was way ahead, Cal was behind her (looking like a fool on his too-small bike) Dan, was slightly in front of me and the Abbers.  Poor Abs – her bitchin’ Barbie bike was not really made for 3 solid miles of 1% grade… when she decided she’d had enough, Alex was not altogether unhappy and quite frankly, I’d put my bike in 21st gear for resistance so I certainly wasn’t trying to convince her to go further…

This was us – excited to be heading back downhill:

When we turned around the kids took off – Dan was laughing as he struggled to catch Abby and her Barbie bike… She was all hunched over the handle bars, swaying side-to-side, pedaling her little hiney off.

I waited a little bit to take off – partly because my legs were toast after biking uphill in the highest gear but mostly because I had a perfect view of my family, enjoying themselves and each other.  My entire life has been spent trying to win, trying to be out in front – but lately I find myself hanging back, putting myself in a position to watch my family – without question – it’s way better than winning. (ok, truth be told – I do, with all my heart and soul, love watching my family but I’m old, I’m chubby, I’m tired… my kids are kicking my ass all over the place, the ‘I love watching my family’ bit, while true, is also a great ego-saver).

After squandering part of the evening we started coloring eggs.  There’s so much to say about this endeavor…  First and foremost it needs to be said that my life with Dan Iseminger has been a 22-year saga of unfulfilled good intentions.  We have an entire cabinet dedicated to board games because Dan wants to be a game playing family; 15 years into having kids and we have yet to play a single board game… He goes ballistic when I suggest we donate the games.

I adore his optimism… wait… that’s not completely true… his inability to foresee the havoc that is about to be wreaked is fucking irritating as hell.  Three kids –  we’ve had 3 kids for a helluva long time – how does he not KNOW there is a potential asshole hidden inside each of them?  How does an intelligent man with 2 college degrees think it’s ok to get 3 different styles of egg coloring kit?

The arguing started almost immediately – because not only did Sir Moron get 3 different egg coloring kits but only 2 of them had an egg dipper included – 3 kids, 2 egg dippers – fuckin A man… fuckin A.

Oh, did I mention the brains behind the operation was the 10 year old?  She took all the instructions out of the boxes – she did not, however, keep the instructions together with the boxes or dyes – no, we had 4 sets of instructions (with only 3 kits… I don’t get it either) each different… each.different.  Think about that for a moment – 3 kits, 4 different sets of instructions??????  Spread out all over the table with no discernible sense of organization…

I get it – I’m a control freak… and nobody likes a control freak but dammit all – I keep things organized and controlled.  The oil-swirled eggs might not have been perfect with me in charge but son of a bitch… they would’ve at least picked up some color.  The 24K egg kit seemed fun.  After allowing the dye to dry we were to sponge the gold onto a WARM egg.  I’m sure, somewhere in the mess, was instructions for making the egg warm after dying but how the hell would I know.  Dan got some warm water (heated on the stove) and brought it out to us (incidentally – this was Dan’s entire contribution to the egg fun – that asshat sat back totally disengaged while I struggled – me… the one who didn’t even want to color fucking eggs).

Cal dipped his dyed egg into the warm water to prepare it for the gold overlay.  Between Dan and I we have 4 college degrees, 2 of which (1 each) are science based, yet we didn’t anticipate the warm water washing the egg clean…

I was tired, I didn’t want to dye eggs in the first place, Dan sat there with no intention of getting involved and things weren’t going well.  The arguing over egg dippers started it all..  I may or may not have dropped the F-bomb regarding the negligible cost of egg dippers and gosh darn it why would they only put one in each kit.  One kit had liquid dye; we cut the corner off (at the dotted line) and attempted to put 2 drops of dye into the included plastic baggies – it was like somebody dumped a gallon of paint in… who are these fucking kits made for?  With each consecutive bad egg – I was getting angrier and angrier.  I may or may not have said, “You gotta be Martha fucking Stewart to make this crap work… why can’t we just go back to food coloring and plastic spoons?”  my kids asked, “Who is Martha Stewart?”

30 eggs later… and I was so incredibly over Iseminger egg dying night… I knew the fun was over when Cal, using the wax crayon, made a blue egg that said, ‘I hate my life’…  Dan, you know… the guy who started all this fun… said, “I’m gonna go take a shower – just leave this mess, I’ll clean it up later.”  asshole.  He KNEW I wasn’t gonna leave it….

The kids showered and went to bed happy – worn out from biking, contented from egg coloring, knowing a chocolate booty was mere hours away.  Dan got back to his egg-coloring nap while I showered…  clearly my suggestion to start the basket process went unheeded (“I didn’t know what you wanted me to do” – not surprising, this is the same nimrod who thought it was a good idea to dip freshly dyed eggs into hot water).

We got the baskets set out, grass, jelly beans, candy, small gifts… the standard deal; then I said, “Where’d you put the chocolate bunnies?”

“What chocolate bunnies?”

“The bunnies I handed you at the store today; I put them in the bag and handed them to you because Abby was riding with me…”

“hmmmmm maybe still in the car.”

Chocolate bunnies, closed up in a car on an 81° day…

“I’m going back to the store – we might have more bunnies.”

“It’s 1:30 in the morning… let it go – they don’t need them, they have plenty.”

“It’s Easter, you can’t have Easter without a chocolate fucking bunny rabbit!”

guess what?  we had Easter without one chocolate fucking bunny rabbit…

It’s days like these that make me realize, I never want to quit my more-than-full-time job.  I’ve said for years: I love my kids… part time; twelve solid hours with these people is maddening.  They complain, they whine, they bitch, nothing is ever good enough… damn Iseminger blood.

I had slept off my disdain and was excited to wake them the next morning – still, after all these years, I’m excited to wake them every morning (5 minutes in, I’m looking for vodka but initially I’ve got all the feels); we made plans to kayak later in the day… another day of togetherness, another day of bickering, another day of ego-saving-family-watching hanging back… and all I could do was smile…….

I’ve started this entry 7 times… each lead in sucked more than the last.  I have the ending all sewn up but I don’t know how to start… so…. I’ll just say this – our dog died Wednesday.

Please don’t shed a single tear for me – I was the biggest asshole dog owner on Earth.  I was never hateful to her but I never LOVED her.  It’s my kids and Dan who deserve your compassion.  They were and are, absolutely heart broken…

Twelve years ago my parents asked if we wanted to ride along when they went to buy an AKC registered German Shepherd… I said (emphatically), “NO!”  I have a sixth sense about these things… Dan, on the other hand, is a sucker.  Hence… not only did we ride along… we returned home as dog owners.

My family always had dogs when I was growing up – it’s not that I hate animals; I just know they are a ton of work… When my parents invited us along for the ride we had an almost 3-year old daughter and 9 month old son and were actively working on more… every 6 weeks… when we had the energy.

So… no… I didn’t think a dog was a good idea.  Then that damned Shepherd puppy walked over and untied Alex’s shoe – criminy, my cynicism didn’t stand a chance.  I don’t know which of them was more ridiculous – Alex and her cute, damned face or Dan, pleading with his stupid ass blue eyes…..

We let Alex name her – she came up with Brownie; clearly her creative years were yet to come…  I don’t remember too much of Brownie’s early years, I was, quite simply, an asshole and didn’t involve myself with her.  One of Dan’s selling points was how useful she’d be as a protector for our kids… it was a good selling point, dammit.

I’m not sure who said it or when it was said, but somebody, at sometime told me, “…German Shepherds get maternal and protective at about 2 years…”  She turned 2 right after Abby was born – Brownie slept under Abby’s crib every night.

For the last 10 years, when I spoke of Brownie I cried because I was so incredibly thankful to her for spending all of those years keeping my babies safe…

This story unfolded about 18 months after we brought her home: I got home from work one evening; Annie was our nanny at the time (tell me how fun that is – Annie the nanny), she gave me the day’s report and asked if I wanted her to wait while I got changed into ‘play clothes’ – I told her nah we’d be fine; I had my clothes laid out and would only take a minute to change.  And I literally, took less than a minute to change and ran back outside…

Cal was gone

I ran all over the yard looking for him; we live on a pretty busy road so to say I was frantic – is quite an understatement.  Dan was working so I called my parents – my dad answered and I screamed into the phone, “Cal is missing.  He’s gone!!!”  As I was explaining the situation to Pop I looked  down the long alley behind our house and spotted my baby boy… and Brownie.  Cal was making a break for it, apparently (no blaming here…I’ve considered this plenty in the 12 years since) and there was Brownie – walking circles around him.  She was keeping pace with him while circling him – not stopping him, but by God – nobody was going to get near that boy…

As the years went on, the kids spent more and more time outside – without Dan and I; it got to the point the kids finished my sentence, “Yes… you can go outside but *take Brownie with you*”.  I never worried when she was outside with them… not that issues didn’t arise……

I was folding clothes one day and looked out the window – a car had stopped in our alley, the passengers talking to the kids.  It was not a car I recognized so I headed outside… As I walked out I saw the car pulling away – I assumed they saw me and hightailed it… The kids told me the people were asking for help finding their missing dog; right up until Brownie walked up.  I guess Brownie walked up growling a little… suddenly the car people weren’t concerned about their ‘missing dog’.

Dan and I are pretty lucky – we’ve spent our childrearing years comfortable in the knowledge we have 2 souls who’d lay down their life for our kids.  Brownie was undeniably committed to their safety; Pop, would often like to swipe them himself but certainly, without question, wouldn’t let anybody else harm them…  Brownie and Pop had a great relationship; I think they both knew and respected the depth of love each had for these kids.

One day Pop stopped by to pick up 1 or 3 kids… I can’t remember.  He told us later he must’ve startled Brownie because when Pop walked in and called out for the kids, Brownie came around the corner, ready….  “I’ve never  been afraid of dogs and certainly not afraid of Brownie… but she snarled and growled and bared her teeth and I’m telling you… well, let’s just say I don’t think we ever have to worry about anybody hurting our babies…”

Now… all bets are off.  My safety net is gone.  My ability to relax when the kids are outside… shot.  That beautiful, sweet, docile, dog is gone.

Abby sobbed and sobbed.  Cal was brokenhearted.  Alex was damn near inconsolable; Brownie has been her dog from the get go, we’ve always called her the dog whisperer…

Brownie was 2 years past her life-expectancy; we knew it was coming.  Hell, I’d even had a dream 2 weeks ago – all 5 of us and Brownie were out playing in a field(ish), meadow-type area… off to our right was a hill with no end… I saw my mom walking away, up the hill.  I remember so badly wanting to see her face, but she didn’t turn; just continued to walk up the hill – away from us… Brownie took off, she left us and went right to mom.  I could see my mom’s hand so clearly, reaching down to Brownie’s back… gently leading her up the hill….

Last night I walked into the room that housed her cage and bowls; I had my head down and was busy hating myself for not being better to her… out of nowhere I got an overwhelming smell of dog treats.  I stopped in my tracks and looked around for a box of treats or food – anything that would explain the smell… there was nothing, and as fast as the scent hit me – it went away… was she trying to tell me I wasn’t a total asshole owner?  I mean… when I walked into that room I was tearing up, admonishing myself… the guilt was breaking my heart – then the smell of dog treats…

damn it… I’ve spent so much fucking time convincing myself I didn’t love her…

 

As Isemingers, we’re generally prepared to get screwed at every turn… tax season is no exception.  Our refund was slashed significantly because this year, our store has more IOU’s than it did at the end of 2015, the IRS calls this “profit” – fuckers.  Anyway, no fighting it… I try not to get too fired up… (hahaha me “trying not to get too fired up” – what a crock….).

But the point of all this is… we didn’t get a ton of money back so instead of spending it frivolously – we decided to invest it.  Here’s a picture of our investment:

We are hoping to parlay our meager return into hours and hours of family bonding.  Yep… the 5I’s are hittin’ the open waters…  Well, we’re actually hitting a lake for the first few outings and then we’ll move on to the river but damn it – we’re gonna be a kayak-loving family come hell or high water…  ok, if there’s high water I’m not doin’ it but there’s nothing else that’ll keep me away… the bugs, the bugs might very well keep me away but that’s it – high water and bugs.

The decision to invest in kayaks was made swiftly and with conviction.  After 3 weeks of mulling it over we said, “meh, I guess we might as well get them.”  I verified our budget and we found kayaks at Dunhams that fit with relative ease.  This… should’ve been the first red flag….

Who knew paddles were not included??  This, to me, is akin to baggage charges on a flight – just give it to me and add the shit to the ticket price… stick it to me blindly.  Although there is something to be said for the challenge of trying to fit everything into a single carry-on bag…

Ok… so paddles weren’t outlandishly expensive; they didn’t exactly break the budget. That honor was saved for the life vests.  And it would’ve ended there… had we happened to own any sort of mode of transport whatsoever.

Three kids seemed like such a good idea at the time…

Even with 2 cars – carrying 3 kayaks on one vehicle is not an easy, common thing to do.  Enter a trailer.

You price trailers lately???  We did some very quick, preliminary research (no, our 3 weeks of mulling over the kayak purchase did NOT include “how the hell are we getting them where we’re going”) and decided we’d rent a trailer for the purchasing adventure and first outing (had to schedule tightly – 24 hour rental, ya know).

Dan took care of the trailer rental and once I finished up my work day the 5I’s loaded up and headed to Altoona to kill our tax return on potential family memories.

Because the price of the kayaks required a coupon that stated “one per customer” I did some coupon printing and some cash withdrawing – 5 people, 5 coupons, 5 wads of cash.  The trip to Altoona was spent handing out the coupons, handing out the money ($200.34 in exact change) and explaining our plan of attack because nothing in my life is ever as easy as just walking in and buying 5 separate kayaks.

I had a plan and Dan was on call at the hospital- we’d be home lickity split…

only….

we’re the Isemingers….

While Dan was taking care of the rental, he saw a fun kayak – not at Dunhams, not covered by any coupon, not part of the plan.  Here we go….. a simple plan foiled by Dan’s indecision – welcome to the last 22 years of my life.  A 10 minute trip turned into 65 while we (HE) compared models, prices, coupons, colors……………………………………………………………………

The kids tend to get restless during Dan’s bouts of indecision.  They started to bicker a little, then one of them was humming a different song than the store radio was playing, Abby wasn’t handling her paddle well… basically, I bided my time and saved my sanity by wandering over to the life vest section – inspecting the PFDs hoping to find hidden areas that would accommodate the weights I was planning to sew into them…

Decisions were made, life vests were sized, paddles were dropped… (Dan pulled one off the hanger and 7 followed – good thing we’re all fairly athletic – paddles were flailing about….) and then we hit the register.  I told Abby to lay her coupon on the counter and to have her money ready – the guy at the register (who’d had just about enough of the 5I’s) scanned the kayak skew and said, “hmmm, no coupon needed; they’re ringing up at $189.99 without it.”  This meant I had to round up the money I had handed out (and Dan… he had wandered off) – by this point I was irritated, sweating profusely and wishing I had followed Lorena Bobbitt’s lead – not to mention, the thought of investing the money in a kegerator seemed wholly more appealing than this cluster fuck.

The register guy was noticeably over it all by the time I handed him the cash then asked if I could use my ATM card for the rest…  his eyes said, “lady I don’t give 2 fucks how you pay for all of this… just do it already”.  We paid then headed out the door to pick up our trailer-full of family fun. Except… during our 75 minute (with check-out) “quick shopping excursion” the parking lot filled up and Dan, is a trailer-pulling novice.  He did a great job getting out of the tighter’n hell parking lot but not without schloads of anxiety and swearing (that was me… Dan was cool as a cucumber).

We found the loading dock, got the boats ratchet-strapped onto the trailer and set off for home.  Dan said, “the guy that took care of us seemed so irritated at first but he was really nice during that loading…  probably just glad we were gettin’ the hell outta his store…” I cocked my head and said, “could be, but I’d be more inclined to believe it was him being up on the dock and me standing down below with this shirt on…” then, with my eyes, I led his eyes to my low cut shirt… Dan decided I was probably on to something.

It’s now Sunday morning… 4I’s are at headed to church, I’m headed for a bike ride and the kayaks are waiting for us on the trailer.  The calm before the storm.  We are meeting my rowing trainer (Trish and her fiancé Wayne) at 1:00 at Shawnee – the rest of this story is but 3 and 1/2 hours away……

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Well, we’re all sitting here on the couch – exhausted and sun burned (ok… I’m the only one ‘got sun burned… what the hell is that????)

Since the kayaks were already hitched up – there was no stress on the ride to the lake – see how happy we were:

We took some pictures for posterity – yes, it’s irritating but at least I’m not taking pictures of my Thanksgiving spread or snow falling…

Look at us… excited, anxious, ready to paddle our asses off.

Trish went first, then me.  Alex then Abby were next.  At this point I was being pulled by my many different personalities – my competitive, driven personality wanted to get moving (I was there to train and had an entirely different schedule for the kayaking than the others); my maternal personality wanted to make sure all of my kids were ok; my menopausal, bitch personality wanted to stick around in the hopes of finding a reason to yell at Dan… Alas, maternal, nurturing Karen won out – I stayed put while Cal was being pushed in…

Let me preference this with a little reminder about Dan seeing a kayak at the trailer rental place…  He was hell bent on buying a boat from that place, just couldn’t get them all at Dunhams, couldn’t follow the plan (for all of you people out there who just KNOW I’m the pants-wearer… Dan wanted to buy a different kayak from a different place… so we bought a different kayak from a different place) my objections were quickly quashed (alliteration baby).  The different kayak was a ‘sit-on’ vs. a ‘sit-in’ (pretty self-explanatory).  Cal got the sit-on kayak…

Cal did not sit.on. the kayak for very long.

…dumped it almost immediately.

By the look on his face and the haste with which he got himself out of the water – I’d say that shit was frigid.  Dan suggested taking him home – my boy is tough, he changed his sweatshirt (and chose a different kayak) and got right back in the water.  Dan was stuck with his “better” kayak (btw, we returned it with the rented trailer).

I took off for some training while the other kayakers… well, hell, I have no idea what they were doing… I think they just basically followed me at a more leisurely pace.  After about a mile and a half of training we all met up…  We floated around and chatted and just basically enjoyed our time together.  A nice family outing…

except….

for the woman in the red shirt.  This woman, standing along the shoreline, was screaming, and I mean – guttural screaming at somebody and let me tell ya… she impressed both me and Trish.  Listen, Trish and I know some swear words and we certainly aren’t shy about dropping the F-bomb… but this woman…. this woman took it to a whole new level – 20 yards from an – obviously – popular playground.  We were 1/2 mile from her and could hear her…

My kids were dumbfounded.  Alex actually looked at me and said, “Wow mom, you get pretty mad but even you don’t act like that…”  A) nice…… and B) I have… actually acted like that – what can I say? Dan and I bring out the best in each other :/  Wayne and Dan enjoyed a chuckle as we women tried to explain how a man can bring you to this…  never in public though… never.in.public.  Grit your teeth, squeeze your fist til you bleed… whatever ya gotta do – keep it outta the public eye….

There is no description, no wording, no amount of blogging that will adequately portray the scene that unfolded with that woman in the red shirt… just know – it really capped off our family outing.

We paddled around, talked, sunned, relaxed and just enjoyed each other – it was a great day.

Poor Abs got tired – she’s strong as a damned ox but that’s a lot of paddling for little 10-year old arms.  We decided to call it a day (not to mention – our 24 hour rental period for the trailer was slowly fading away).  We headed back to the ramp.

For you non-kayakers – you kinda hafta build up momentum to push yourself up the ramp enough to be able to disembark without getting your feet wet…  Alex tore up that ramp like a champ then hopped out and started to pull her kayak out.  Cal followed her…

Dan was behind me, still on the water, when he said, “there goes Cal gettin’ a full head of steam, good lord he’s gonna completely take out that woman standing there….”  such an observant, involved dad… “uh, ‘that woman’ is your daughter.”  Alex pulled all of us out – my work here is done people… Alex is now in charge.

We got our 5 kayaks loaded and helped a little with Trish’s and Wayne’s kayaks and we called it a day.  A glorious, beautiful, wonderful day.

We’ve spent a lot of money, on a lot of stupid shit in our day (Ronco Rotisserie, anybody?) but I think… I hope… this was some well spent moola.

I love the exhaustion I’m feeling right now – from biking then rowing… hard; without sounding too asshole-ish, I’m proud of myself.  I loved hanging out with great friends, we never want for conversation and laughter with Trish and Wayne. I loved watching Alex and Abby float together.  I loved that Cal got right back in the water (we didn’t even have to talk him into it, he dried himself off as best he could and got right back at it).  And I love, love, loved being a family, today; we genuinely enjoy being together but we sometimes forget to make it happen…

I screw up a lot of shit as a mom but I’m pretty sure I nailed this one…