Contrary to my sarcastic and sometimes biting comments regarding my one and only… for the most part I am totally and hopelessly in love with my husband. I spend a good deal of my time wondering how in the world I got so damned lucky to marry this absolutely amazing human being…
This weekend was not one of those times.
We aren’t resolution type people; we’re way too realistic for that nonsense. This year however, we did sorta decide to rework our life in the hopes of being rewarded with better karma.
As we are fairly good people by most standards we decided we need only address 2 areas.
That’s a total load of bullshit… I dozed off while compiling the list of all the crap-stuff I could change – I only have the energy to work on 2.
The first such resolution is a family effort and will, I think, go the furthest toward changing our karma.
We’ve decided to be less negative.
Now… I’ll grant you – that sounds all warm and fuzzy but in reality we’ve spent the last 6 days starting every sentence with, “This isn’t me being negative, I’m just saying….”
We used to scold the kids for starting off with, “No offense but…” and then totally trashing whomever they happened to be speaking to; now we’re all opening conversations with, “This isn’t negativity, it’s just honest criticism….” What can I say? The 5 I’s are a work in progress…
The 2nd life change is geared more towards the adults.
We decided to be more active in the evenings. Listen… we work a lot of (semi-stressful) hours; we have 3 athletes, 2 of whom are also musicians and the 3rd a chorus singer – we’re tired, we’re never home and we’re old… on the rare evenings we have no commitments – we plant our lazy asses on the couch and bitch about the chaos that is our living environment.
2019 is going to change all that.
Well… the games and concerts and dinners and banquets and yadda yadda yadda are still on the calendar – but the coming home and doing nothing is a thing of the past. The Isemingers are going to get organized and we’re going to be all the better for it.
Or some shit like that…
Dan was on it right outta the gates – which is equal parts irritating and endearing. I mean… sumbitch… we’ve spent 22 years perfecting this way of life and he hops up outta bed on New Year’s Day and goes after it…
fuck that
I need to ease into this shit.
I basically just sat around glaring at him Tuesday; I can’t say I wished bodily harm on him but I also can’t say I was thrilled each time he ran up or down the stairs unscathed. Then again… I appreciated his dedication to establishing our feng shui.
By Friday the 4th I was ready to get in on the action. I had a 3-day weekend looming like a muse on a cliff… with only a home game Friday night and an away game Saturday afternoon; this is a “free” weekend in Iseminger-ville.
So on Friday, while the kids were at school and Dan was at work, I climbed the 2 flights of stairs to the attic and began the mind-numbing task of carrying all things Christmas related to the living room. Our first mission: get Christmas organized… discard the old stuff, reorganize the good stuff and truck the matching green and red totes back up to the attic for next year.
We live in a 104-year old house with a walk-up attic. Having a walk-up attic is very nice. Having a walk-up attic with 16 steps of 5″ tread depth… sorta throws a wet blanket on the situation. The attic door is also directly across from our toilet – which is odd… and makes for a good time when you’re humpin’ heavy totes (that are jingling, by the way) down the treacherous stairs only to make a 180° turn into a galley-style bathroom that has a 2 1/2 foot wide path to walk through.
23 trips
with jingling totes
Believe it or not – I didn’t swear once. I grunted. There was a growl or 2… but no swearing.
I’m getting soft…
It’s now Sunday night and at no point since Friday have we all been home at the same time for more than 45 minutes to go through the stuff. I knew this going into the project…
which is why I suggested Dan and I organize the attic while all the Christmas stuff was out of the way.
And here begins the crux of this post…
My biggest “want” for the weekend was to put together an Ikea cabinet that at one time served as a closet for Abby (she now has 2 shelving units joined by shower rods… kid won’t know what to do when she finally has actual closets). Anyway, I wanted to get that cabinet together and organize the part of the attic that I use for out-of-season clothes (basically I switch out my Packers gear for my Orioles gear).
We first made our way to the attic early Saturday afternoon. I asked if I should google the assembly instructions for the cabinet. Dan, being of the male variety, assured me instructions were unnecessary.
We began by laying a cabinet wall on the floor and then proceeded to carry the base to each end of the wall twice while flipping it and asking how in the hell it could possibly work….
9 minutes, 4 college degrees and a profound “oooohhhhhhhhhh” later and we had assembled floor to wall.
That was the high point of our collaboration.
I then discovered we had used the wrong screws to attach the hanging rods – I said, “well it’s clear now – since there are 8 rounded screws and 8 holes for the rods and 16 flat-head screws and 16 holes in the hinges…” he then walked over and verified my counts on the screws and corresponding holes….
Honestly… how DID we make it this fucking far?
We finally got the cabinet fully assembled and nestled into it’s new perch. I won’t bore you with the details… all you need to know is: anything that may have spewed forth from my gob – while he could understand how I might offer up such charming suggestions – was in no way a match for the jenius that he served up (yes… I spelled it that way on purpose).
What we DID agree on, however, was that the ventilation holes in the back of the cabinet might pose a problem.
Again… our house is 100+ years old – we basically own an aviary with people areas below it; so we knew we had to cover the holes. Dan came up with the idea of little screens. Sounded good to me…
For those of you who have never had the experience of buying Ikea style/quality furniture – the back of cabinets and dressers and such walks the fine line between cardboard and wood – I think they call it pressboard but even that seems a little generous. It’s substantial but it’s not substantial.
…the hours spent cleaning bird poo off my clothes 4 days later would’ve been the downside to my solution.
But this guy… this love of my life… this soul mate… he was not having it with the birds getting into the closet, no sir. This guy spends close to an hour fashioning up little screens that I’m fairly certain will be the talk of the cockroaches after the nuclear fallout….
First… he goes down 3 flights of stairs to the basement to cut little strips of lauan (thin, THIN plywood) to go between the screen and the cabinet backing. Back up the 3 flights, he screws the screen and lauan to the cabinet…
it splits the strip of lauan.
He goes back down to the basement, cuts a new strip and drills pilot holes in all of the remaining strips.
Once back up in the attic – he gets all 6 holes covered…
only now – the tips of the screws are poking through the back of the closet (“I’m not even sure how that can be… I used the smallest screws known to mankind”).
Back to the basement for something to cover the points…
and honest to goodness, I am not lying – 37 minutes later… we got us some bird-proof ventilation holes
No offense… but ya gotta be fucking kidding me…