As I sit here on the eve of the BIG five -oh (of course, by the time you read this, I’ll have crested the old-age hill, probably tripped on an errant school bag and hurled ass over tin cups down the other side) I find myself mired in introspection and have decided that I desperately need to impart my musings, my observations, my wisdom, if you will. To that end, I’ve compiled a list of 50 self-evident truths in honor of my 50th birthday…
- The fucking washing machine will never fucking finish at a convenient fucking time
- I will give you either gift wrap and a greeting card – OR – a gift, I cannot afford both
- Having a spouse who is your best friend is phenomenal – until you get into a fight with one of them and want to discuss it with the other
- An icing recipe which yields enough icing to cover the entire cake – does not exist
- The only way to have a clean house is to throw a party
- A child who runs at the mouth for 45 minutes detailing her method for choosing which soup to have for lunch will respond to your “how was your first week of college” text with: ‘okay’
- The people who design vacuum cleaner attachment set-ups have never actually used a vacuum cleaner attachment
- If your significant other is entered in your phone under the pet name you use for him/her – know that nothing will rankle you more than seeing that fucking name pop up when you are text-fighting
- In the same vein – using a pet name that is only 1 letter different than your father’s name is a dangerous, dangerous game
- Kids can spend entire weekends doing nothing but sloughing off dead skin cells and putting empty containers back in cabinets – if this does not intrigue you, do not procreate
- A dog only wants to go out when you are sitting down
- The less money you owe, the more you can enjoy your job
- Any idea, statistic, or viewpoint can be argued to fit any agenda – recognize the agenda before believing the argument
- The fact that humans are the only species that see it as the females’ responsibility to attract the males – irritates me to no end
- Feelings of inferiority are like an elevator – they can take you down to resentment or up to improvement – choose wisely before stepping on
- There is no feeling like watching the fuel gage move to ‘F’ after driving around for 21 miles with the Low Fuel light on
- If you are late to work 6 days straight – check the damn batteries in your bathroom clock
- Taking bets on when your kid will break his new retainer is fun, right up until you win
- Every color is somebody’s favorite
- Striking out is ok, giving up a game winning home run is ok, mishandling an easy pop-up is ok, making an error on the basepath is never ok
- If I would’ve known how much trouble my parents were going to be – I would’ve never had them
- Thirty-seven hot sauces is too many and I will not entertain any discussion to the contrary
- I do not understand how one wastes water – I assumed it all just evaporates and goes through the cycle again
- A plant is only as beautiful as the soul taking care of it
- Pets are so intuitive they know you are home minutes before you actually get home, this intuition also allows them to know exactly where to lay to cause the most disruption
- Songs pledging undying, romantic love are almost always written and performed by men
- I’m assuming that’s because women are too busy deciding what to have for dinner… again
- How was it determined that every snooze feature on every alarm would last 9 minutes
- Always put yourself in position to walk away with your head held high
- Through independent research I have discovered it is funny to repeatedly forget to pick up your child from practice, the same study, however, showed 4 times to be the limit
- Be honest with your doctor – always
- The final minute of a hockey game feels profoundly different if your team has a 1-goal lead versus being down a goal
- Waking up at 2:30am to your child standing nose to nose with you will test your love for said child
- Poetry is very confusing
- Do not touch your retirement account until it matures, no matter what. Find another way
- There are 2 types of people: those who drink water after ice cream and those who drink milk after; these 2 groups can also be classified as normals and weirdos
- Harriet Oleson was the original helicopter mom
- If you need to scare up a breeze – start sweeping your porch
- I claim seared ahi tuna with wasabi as my favorite food but suspiciously, I eat pizza at least 3 times per week
- Hold your kids accountable, they will be better adults for it
- Sometimes it’s necessary for a parent to flagrantly flaunt her position in the hierarchy – like when everybody favors the same living room blanket
- It is always more respectable to admit ignorance than to fake knowledge
- There are countless organizations committed to protecting the rights and dignity of every population under the sun – yet these same people remain conspicuously silent on the day the 4th grade teacher hands out those friggin recorders
- Instead of buying 2 sets of average sheets get yourself a single, luxurious set. Sure, you might deserve it but more importantly that fitted monstrosity will go from bed to washer back to bed… no folding necessary
- Nature is remarkable in that everything seems to serve a useful purpose, I can even (reluctantly) admit we NEED snakes and bats but… I’m going to need somebody to explain fog to me
- Never settle
- You can save a tremendous amount of money by buying Christmas gifts all year long, and! the savings can go on for years – right up until you stop finding the things you hid
- Be as diligent with reporting a good experience as you are reporting a negative one
- Whistling is fucking obnoxious
- I struggle a little bit, knowing my best YEARS are behind me but I counter that with the knowledge that I truly believe my best LIFE is still ahead of me
- Fifty is not old but it IS the oldest I’ve ever been.
yeah, yeah… I gave myself one to grow on…
I remember in the 80’s thinking 2020 seemed a lifetime away and it has been… an extraordinary, exceptional, more-than-I-ever-imagined – lifetime. I have felt all-consuming love, I have weathered devastation, I have thought I could never love another being as much as I love my daughter, only to be proven wrong twice, I have known hard work and enjoyed the fruits of that work, I have laughed until I ached and I have pushed my body to its physical limits. I’ve eked out every bit of life that I possibly could in my 50 short years and yet I feel like I’m just getting started…