Nice try son…. nice try

As Cal sat near me, jittery and nervous I knew something was up; next thing I knew, Alex came over and sat in our general vicinity, looking at me – kinda creepy like. I wasn’t sure if they were going to throw a burlap sack over my head and usher me to a windowless van or if they just wanted to ask me something… Finally, with my nerves on edge, I said, “Alright weirdos what the hell’s goin’ on here?”

I’ll save you the agony of suspense; they want a kitten. Apparently they thought we were all in some parallel universe in which I liked animals – and them, for that matter. It’s not so much a dislike of animals as it is a dislike of all the crap that comes with owning animals. It seems they need to be watered and fed… often(?), I take on this task about once a week for our cat and dog and it irritates the begeezus outta me every time – and then.there’s.the.hair. How do these animals even have a coat??? What in the hell goes on when we aren’t here? When we’re home they are laying in front of the couch, in front of the refrigerator, in the doorway at the top of the steps – you know… relaxing wherever we want to be at the time. So, exactly when are these 2 rumbling in the corners??? I beat the hell outta one hairy corner, I thought it was a mouse…

So, Cal told me a buddy of his has a litter of kittens and – shockingly – that family doesn’t want any of them (Alisha I will hunt you down for this, mark my words). Now, while it’s true I make a habit of presenting myself as the hard-ass in this family, I’m really not; well, let me clarify – in this particular situation, I was not completely opposed to the idea of a kitten. To further clarify – I currently have near zero responsibility with our animals, a second cat would be no different so I was all about it; in my defense I was at least cognizant enough of my laziness to direct them to their father for the final verdict. Our house is not that large and yet I still have no idea how that discussion turned out… that seems odd to me, I’m not even really sure I live here sometimes. Anyway, somehow Cal ended up writing an essay in an attempt to sway his already overburdened father. I thought I’d share said essay with you and break it down section by section. First, though… here is the picture of them asking me:

It should be noted – Alex shares my aversion for being photographed… she wants the kitten.

Now to the essay:

Kitten Essay

I think we kids should get a kitten for a couple of reasons.
Ok, as a self-proclaimed grammar Nazi, I just want to apologize for my son… that being said – I found this sentence charming in its innocence UNTIL I got to the 3^rd and 4^th reasons. Couple: pair, duo, twosome, two. This probably wouldn’t be such a big deal if not for my job. People call and say, “I need a couple of refills,” then the rat bastards rattle off 6 different refill numbers. After 2 numbers, I pull up – then I’m caught off guard when they keep going; sometimes after the 2^nd number I say, “ok we’ll get these ready for you…” and the person on the other end gets all shitty and says, “you too busy to do ALL of my refills?” Uh no, jackass, I’m too busy to entertain people who don’t know the difference between couple, few and several….

First, it will give a chance for Abby and I to prove that we can be responsible. Finally! A chance for them to prove they can be responsible… you know… because all the crap I ask them to do otherwise – that goes by completely ignored or forgotten – hasn’t really provided that opportunity. I will feed and water him/her every morning and night. Incidentally, I asked Cal to feed and water our current animal residents this morning… he sighed, walked all slumped-shouldered and said, “Abby can you do the watering?” I will clean up any messes it makes in my room, but I will also be training it. Our house has 11 rooms and a hallway – I like how he claims only the messes in his room, and don’t even get me started on the training – unless he can do it with his phone – it ain’t happenin’. Us three, if they choose to do so, will have the kitten in our rooms on a cycle. This part is so endearing, ’cause you know…. cats always do what you want them to. We will all chip in for food, litter, and a litter box. I find it incredibly interesting that they are willing to fork over some dough for the needs of the kitten – a few weeks ago they wanted to hit the Igloo (our local ice cream place, the average price is $2.50); I told them I’d take them but they had to pay – you never saw such strict dieters in your life, “well… I really shouldn’t be eating that kinda stuff anyway….”. They are a wily sort – they have no intention of paying for anything. We will also make sure that it will get enough active outsideness a day.
…who doesn’t need some active outsideness in a day????

Second, we will have him/her in our rooms most of the time to make sure that it doesn’t do what Brett does. Ok, this part actually intrigued me… Our cat BrettFavre (that’s a true story – Cal named him), is the biggest pain in the ass cat ever, in the history of cats. Sometime between 2am and 3:30am EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING. he sits at the threshold to our bedroom and pushes our door open, it is not level so it swings back to him, so he pushes ‘er right back, repeatedly. Hard to believe though it is – Dan NEVER hears this. He wants to go out – I get all kindsa hell over letting that cat out all night but if we don’t – we get the door situation. Little asshole doesn’t always go right out when I finally get pissed off enough to get up – he dilly dallies *but* if I go back upstairs the door shit starts all over. If I somehow outlast the door misery, BF will go to our blinds and bat at the cords. As I said, we will make a cycle so we do not fight over whos [sic] turn it is. This line just about killed me – these 3 fight over who’s pencil is sharpest – no shit, that was an actual argument. It’s a guess, but I’m thinking lots of bickering will follow the arrival of the kitten. This is good because we will not fight and so that Brett can also come into our rooms instead of knocking on your door for being hungry. Also, it won’t be crawling all over you all the time. I’m no cat psychologist but it seems to me, bringing a littler, cuter, attention-whore kitten into the house will only serve to piss off BrettFavre – the nighttime rituals will get worse, I’m confident in this thought.

Third, the kitten will help me care more for Brett and Brownie. We got Brownie not long into Cal’s existence – in 12 years, I’ve never actually witnessed that boy sharing a moment with the dog and he knows we have a cat only because I bitch about it – there’s no way he could care LESS about them… I will not be playing clash of clans or being on Instagram all day because I will be playing with those three. …for the first 2 days, anyway. To take off on a tangent… I’d like to kill the jerkoff that invented Clash of Clans. Dan, Alex and Cal – all evening, faces jammed in their phones talking about walls and wars and dumb shit that I have no idea about. Grrrrrrrrr. I will be with the kitten and it will make me sad that I give no attention to Brett and Brownie and we will all play together. Such a sweet, sweet story – and also a whole, big, dump truck load o’ crap. I can hear it now, “Get away Brownie I’m playing with the kitten.” “BrettFavre, stop! It’s kitty’s turn for love.” This ain’t my first rodeo people….

Fourth is three words: Brett and Brownie. Ahhhhhhhh, here we go; we’re getting a kitten for the dog and cat, uh………………huh. They are not old old, but it will be good for them to have a young, healthy, active, playful kitten around the house to keep them upright. I’m not 100% sure where he’s going with this, but I can respect his argument; who doesn’t feel sparked into action when a younger, fresher version of you shows up to the party? I’m weirded out by “keep them upright” – Brownie is literally on her last leg, I’m thinking he’s expecting kitty to keep Brownie outta the grave, quite the tall order for this kitten. We all know Brownie will take it under her wing and Brett will know not to rough house. 3 years ago, Brownie would have indeed taken the kitten under her wing – these days? Brownie can’t lift her wing, let alone get anything under it. And let me say this about Brett – he’s an asshole, he will not be thrilled with the kitten. We will be outside all the time with the kitten and we will take Brett and Brownie out with us to get some exercise. …and I will pet him, and love him, and name him George…. Please kid let’s be real here… we have an 80 x 40 sports court complete with basketball hoop, pitch backs, pitching machine, hockey nets, roller blades and all of the balls, pucks, bats, sticks needed to make this the greatest fun center in Everett – I have to threaten housework to get those kids out there – ain’t no way they’re gonna be outside with a kitten; by god they might miss an episode of some IQ-erasing, mind-numbing crap on ABCFamily.

That is why I think we should get a baby kitten. Y’all know we’re prolly getting’ one… right?