As I sat there watching my sister-from-another-mister glance through her enormous calendar during Pop’s birthday celebration last night, I started rattling off the Iseminger’s commitments for the day in question. I looked, with an unmistakable air of arrogance, at Gary (husband of Missy, said sister), tapped my forehead and said, “Mine’s all up here, baby… all. up. here.”
There is no bigger asshole on the face of this earth than me.
Who throws down the gauntlet like that? I might as well’ve stood up and said, “Hey Karma – here’s my ass… go ahead and give it a good, swift kick!”
Now… I will say it’s been a little bit of a week in this house. First there’s work – it’s not that I’m working an insane amount of hours, actually… I’m working less, it’s just that the schedule is a tad different than what I’m used to; and we’ve gone from a pretty set schedule to one that changes – sometimes – week to week. I just can’t seem to get a grip on when I’m working… 2 college degrees people, 2 college fucking degrees and I’m having trouble comprehending a clearly written calendar…
Anyway, aside from my confusion on when not to show up for work, since Monday we’ve had 3 softball games (1 canceled), 1 Little League game, 1 unscheduled practice, 1 no-practice on a regularly scheduled practice day, 2 gymnastics practices, 4 field trips (1 unattended but with a call from the school informing me my kid was not in school {?????} 3 frantic texts later confirming she WAS, actually, at school), 1 rescheduled Track and Field Day (which was canceled, again and rescheduled for next week) and 1 birthday celebration that went from 6 people eating pizza at OIP to 13 people eating dinner at one restaurant and getting dessert at another because the 1st restaurant clearly needed for us to leave so they could close…. I won’t even get into the washing of uniforms for 3 consecutive days of games, the delivering of softball equipment every day at a (different) specific time, Dan needing to be AT work at 4am Tuesday morning for some kind of upgrade or the concession stand obligation affecting the when/where of the birthday celebration.
Schwew! While this – sadly – isn’t a huge deviation from our normal schedule… it also isn’t the norm. But hey! No worries people, ol’ Miss I-don’t-need-to-write-anything-down is right on top of it! Hahahaha Missy and her calendar… ROOKIE!
So… me and my computer like memory had a morning that went a little something like this:
6:52am – Dan woke me. God forbid he gather his clothes the night before – NOOOO – he has to get dressed in our bedroom… asshole. (truth be told; I feel bad for him. I used to be an insanely early riser and he used to be the slug-a-bed… now he has an early-start job and I can’t seem to get up before 6:30 – I carry some guilt for sleeping that late but buying the store compounded with my mom’s shitty lot in life has taken a disastrous toll on the quality of my sleep). So I woke up struggling with the self-loathing which accompanies such a late wake-up time and the desire to stay in bed all day.
6:56am – poured my first cup of coffee and Dan’s travel mug, sent him on his way with a grunt.
7:01am – telling myself to get my ass upstairs to wake the kids – thinking, “they have plenty of time… why rush this????” But some unknown force pushed me to get up.
7:03am – woke Cal, moved on to Abby
7:05am – Cal called out, “Mom! MOM.” I came out from Abby’s dungeon and saw a very concerned, yet strangely calm Calvin with a very take-charge kinda look on his face, “Mom, I have exactly 10 minutes to get to the bus.” (with realization washing over me like a bucket of ice water), “OH SHIT!!!! I TOTALLY FORGOT YOUR FIELD TRIP! DAMMIT – I WANTED TO GET UP AND MAKE YOU EGG SALAD. HOLY HELL 10 MINUTES – YOU GET DRESSED AND GATHER YOUR OTHER LUNCH STUFF AND I’LL RUN TO SHEETZ FOR A SANDWICH!!”
7:06am-7:08am – (tearing my room apart): I need pants, pants… any pants… ohmigod these sweatpants are god awful… I mean… what am I gonna do, I won’t see anybody and they go on so fast – well that’s cuz they’re 8 sizes too big… ugh the elastic at the ankle is ridiculous… they look so stupid, who am I? MC Hammer???… I won’t see anybody, right?? Surely not…. Shoes, uhm sneakers… dammit why do I always untie my sneakers??? No time to tie, flip flops… flip flops… sonuvabitch I just wore them yesterday… who can’t just put their clothes IN the laundry basket??? Why do we have clothes laying all over my shoes… (I picked up a lonely flip flop and screamed right at it): WHERE THE HELL IS THE OTHER FLIP FLOP????? geezus I coulda had my sneakers tied by now, forget the flip flops… no time for a bra, I need a baggy, thick sweatshirt… a baggy, thick sweatshirt… WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL OF MY SWEATSHIR…..oh here’s one.. draped over the laundry basket… with the other friggin’ flip flop under it – yeah that’s about right, now that I have my damned sneakers on… fuck you flip flop! Fuck.you. Purse… purse I need my purse… Has ANYBODY seen my pur… never mind!!! I got it…
7:10am – (left foot out the car door, the other slamming the brake hard): put ‘er into park before getting out Karen… man I really need to get myself together here… I can’t believe I’m out in public looking like this, please don’t let me see………
7:11am – oh Hiiiii! Karson… Corey… I, uh, we, uh, forgot about the field trip. …woke up a little late – Cal will be there though! (I take a few seconds to take in Corey’s appearance – slacks, nice shirt, basically just standing there being an adult with responsibilities… meanwhile, I’m standing there in 2X cheap-ass sweatpants from 1989, hair that had no chance of looking good even if I had tried and a mouth full of ick that needed, at the very least, a stick of gum…)
7:13am – (sliding into our alley sideways): ya got everything you need??? Don’t worry bud, Karson and Corey are still at Sheetz – we’re good!
7:14am – (at the light): oh crap, there’s Corey… he’s already dropped off Karson… ok… no worries! No worries! We’re good!
7:15am – (screeching to a halt): 7:15 on the dot my man… how ’bout us??? have a great trip bud, I love you!!!!
7:17am – (got home, dropped into the kitchen booth, took a deep breath and wondered why this last 15 minutes seemed more taxing than my last half-marathon): Momma, here’s the homework I was telling you about at the restaurant – we only have a few minutes….
After finally getting the girls on the bus (which, I might add, required no running by any person involved), I poured myself a 2nd cup of coffee and thought, “I don’t know… maybe it’s time to admit I need a calendar. With a little heads up – that entire situation could’ve been avoided.” I sat down, swiped my phone awake and saw: “Reminder: Cal field trip 7:15 today”