goodbye Brownie girl……….

I’ve started this entry 7 times… each lead in sucked more than the last.  I have the ending all sewn up but I don’t know how to start… so…. I’ll just say this – our dog died Wednesday.

Please don’t shed a single tear for me – I was the biggest asshole dog owner on Earth.  I was never hateful to her but I never LOVED her.  It’s my kids and Dan who deserve your compassion.  They were and are, absolutely heart broken…

Twelve years ago my parents asked if we wanted to ride along when they went to buy an AKC registered German Shepherd… I said (emphatically), “NO!”  I have a sixth sense about these things… Dan, on the other hand, is a sucker.  Hence… not only did we ride along… we returned home as dog owners.

My family always had dogs when I was growing up – it’s not that I hate animals; I just know they are a ton of work… When my parents invited us along for the ride we had an almost 3-year old daughter and 9 month old son and were actively working on more… every 6 weeks… when we had the energy.

So… no… I didn’t think a dog was a good idea.  Then that damned Shepherd puppy walked over and untied Alex’s shoe – criminy, my cynicism didn’t stand a chance.  I don’t know which of them was more ridiculous – Alex and her cute, damned face or Dan, pleading with his stupid ass blue eyes…..

We let Alex name her – she came up with Brownie; clearly her creative years were yet to come…  I don’t remember too much of Brownie’s early years, I was, quite simply, an asshole and didn’t involve myself with her.  One of Dan’s selling points was how useful she’d be as a protector for our kids… it was a good selling point, dammit.

I’m not sure who said it or when it was said, but somebody, at sometime told me, “…German Shepherds get maternal and protective at about 2 years…”  She turned 2 right after Abby was born – Brownie slept under Abby’s crib every night.

For the last 10 years, when I spoke of Brownie I cried because I was so incredibly thankful to her for spending all of those years keeping my babies safe…

This story unfolded about 18 months after we brought her home: I got home from work one evening; Annie was our nanny at the time (tell me how fun that is – Annie the nanny), she gave me the day’s report and asked if I wanted her to wait while I got changed into ‘play clothes’ – I told her nah we’d be fine; I had my clothes laid out and would only take a minute to change.  And I literally, took less than a minute to change and ran back outside…

Cal was gone

I ran all over the yard looking for him; we live on a pretty busy road so to say I was frantic – is quite an understatement.  Dan was working so I called my parents – my dad answered and I screamed into the phone, “Cal is missing.  He’s gone!!!”  As I was explaining the situation to Pop I looked  down the long alley behind our house and spotted my baby boy… and Brownie.  Cal was making a break for it, apparently (no blaming here…I’ve considered this plenty in the 12 years since) and there was Brownie – walking circles around him.  She was keeping pace with him while circling him – not stopping him, but by God – nobody was going to get near that boy…

As the years went on, the kids spent more and more time outside – without Dan and I; it got to the point the kids finished my sentence, “Yes… you can go outside but *take Brownie with you*”.  I never worried when she was outside with them… not that issues didn’t arise……

I was folding clothes one day and looked out the window – a car had stopped in our alley, the passengers talking to the kids.  It was not a car I recognized so I headed outside… As I walked out I saw the car pulling away – I assumed they saw me and hightailed it… The kids told me the people were asking for help finding their missing dog; right up until Brownie walked up.  I guess Brownie walked up growling a little… suddenly the car people weren’t concerned about their ‘missing dog’.

Dan and I are pretty lucky – we’ve spent our childrearing years comfortable in the knowledge we have 2 souls who’d lay down their life for our kids.  Brownie was undeniably committed to their safety; Pop, would often like to swipe them himself but certainly, without question, wouldn’t let anybody else harm them…  Brownie and Pop had a great relationship; I think they both knew and respected the depth of love each had for these kids.

One day Pop stopped by to pick up 1 or 3 kids… I can’t remember.  He told us later he must’ve startled Brownie because when Pop walked in and called out for the kids, Brownie came around the corner, ready….  “I’ve never  been afraid of dogs and certainly not afraid of Brownie… but she snarled and growled and bared her teeth and I’m telling you… well, let’s just say I don’t think we ever have to worry about anybody hurting our babies…”

Now… all bets are off.  My safety net is gone.  My ability to relax when the kids are outside… shot.  That beautiful, sweet, docile, dog is gone.

Abby sobbed and sobbed.  Cal was brokenhearted.  Alex was damn near inconsolable; Brownie has been her dog from the get go, we’ve always called her the dog whisperer…

Brownie was 2 years past her life-expectancy; we knew it was coming.  Hell, I’d even had a dream 2 weeks ago – all 5 of us and Brownie were out playing in a field(ish), meadow-type area… off to our right was a hill with no end… I saw my mom walking away, up the hill.  I remember so badly wanting to see her face, but she didn’t turn; just continued to walk up the hill – away from us… Brownie took off, she left us and went right to mom.  I could see my mom’s hand so clearly, reaching down to Brownie’s back… gently leading her up the hill….

Last night I walked into the room that housed her cage and bowls; I had my head down and was busy hating myself for not being better to her… out of nowhere I got an overwhelming smell of dog treats.  I stopped in my tracks and looked around for a box of treats or food – anything that would explain the smell… there was nothing, and as fast as the scent hit me – it went away… was she trying to tell me I wasn’t a total asshole owner?  I mean… when I walked into that room I was tearing up, admonishing myself… the guilt was breaking my heart – then the smell of dog treats…

damn it… I’ve spent so much fucking time convincing myself I didn’t love her…