Dan and I went on a training date today. Ya know, I hafta say… as much as I sometimes hate working Saturdays – I do very much love having a weekday off. There’s ups and downs to it – I’m expected to use my days off for personal errands and such while Monday through Friday people use vacation/sick hours and keep their days off as days off; meanwhile I’m over here using my vacation hours for vacation – it’s a wash I guess.
Anywho…. I digress. Today was a day of kayaking and biking. Dan asked when I wanted to head out – I turned to him with a scowl, “when I’m finished with my 2nd cup of coffee – why’s everything gotta be [then I snapped my fingers right,left,right,left,right,left – frantically, raising them higher in the air with each snap and snapping harder]. Dan says, “ooooookaaaayyyyy I just wondered if you had a specific time in mind.” (it can’t be any fun to be married to me).
I walked into the kitchen for that 2nd cup of coffee and my eyes shot immediately to the paper towel in front of Abby – 2 halos (cuties? the small mandarin fruit thingys) and a banana; meanwhile Cal, Alex and I collided, knocking shit off the counter, all reaching for the last munchkin powdered donut (that’s actually not true but only because we didn’t have any). Abby loves the healthy stuff – we’re pretty certain she ain’t ours. I am convinced Satan is down below playing with this chubby, little redheaded girl… we got his.
We got the kids off to school, got dressed for our day, borrowed Annie and Barry’s trailer, loaded everything up and were on our way by 9:30am. I immediately started bitching because we were getting such a late start… how Dan didn’t shove an oar up my ass is a testament to his easy-going nature.
Getting back to the loading up of our kayaks and bikes… we’ve borrowed the trailer a couple times (2? 3?) and every time – when it’s empty, awaiting kayaks and when it’s full, awaiting unloading – Dan drives right on past the shed which houses the stuff to be loaded or unloaded. This morning – while irate about our late start – I said, “is there some reason you feel compelled to drive beyond the shed every.single.time?” He just looked over at me, shrugged his shoulders and put it into reverse. [I’m sure I bring some positives to his life – just haven’t been able to nail down what exactly they might be…]
By the time we dropped off the kayaks, oars, life vests, etc at the launch site, then drove to and parked the car/trailer at the end of the course then drove back to the kayaks – it was almost 11 o’clock – I was reaching peak Karenness. But finally – we were on the water…..
Almost immediately the grunting and groaning started behind me.
“agh my arms – my pecs actually…”
“my left hand is asleep already”
“arrrggghhhh”
In an unprecedented show of sportsmanship I said, “you don’t have to stay behind me – I’ve left my ego on the shore, you can get out in front of me… I’ll be cool about it.”
“no way… I have to keep resting – between my hand falling asleep and being sore from lifting the other day… I’m just doing what I can.”
[Dan has recently joined some family members at the gym – these guys are seasoned, Dan is a neophyte and on top of it all – Dan’s got 20 or so years on these boys…]
“ugh”
“mmmmmmmm, oiy”
“I’ve never been this sore after lifting… is your back hurting?”
I was able to ignore him only by concentrating on our surroundings, the area we were kayaking was breathtaking… I turned my head to point out a particularly beautiful area… no Dan. I turned to the right… no Dan…
*panic sets in*
I steadied myself and turned from the waist – all I could see was the nose-end of a red kayak all but resting on the back of my kayak. “ARE YOU DRAFTING ME????”
“yeah…”
We finished our 3 miles. Dan “docked” first (there’s not an actual dock just spots of minimal “shore”) – then said, “just get your nose in here, I’ll pull you up.” Well, hell… I couldn’t allow that shit, he managed to get himself up, I could too. And I did, too – with tremendous difficulty. No lie… in this triathlon my most feared ‘event’ is getting my ass outta the kayak in a timely manner. But, I got out dammit! It was literally slicing away at Dan’s heart to have me drag my kayak up by myself. “I could at least get your oars for you……………. but I know you want to do it yourself……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..how but I just get these oars for you.” We are so different, not only would I not have helped him – I’d’a probably thrown his oars into the river….
Then onto the biking. I think I may have mentioned my disdain for this activity… I was literally gasping for air before we got out of the parking lot. We were cruising along at a decent clip when I started bitching (between the gulping for oxygen) about my awful biking prowess; Dan’s words of encouragement? “yeah… I guess I’ll jump into a higher gear otherwise this is like a casual outing with the kids. That’s not a shot at you….”
You are a dickhead – that IS a shot at you.
My kids used to always preface shitty comments with ‘no offense’ – like, ‘no offense Abby… but I was able to do that math way before 4th grade…’
Just for the record people – starting with ‘no offense’ or ending with ‘that’s not a shot at you’ does not absolve you of being an asshole; it’s still offensive and you *are* actually taking a shot at someone. …probably best to just bypass the whole statement if you need to tell somebody how “not mean” it is.
No matter – Dan is a bicycling freak – I actually wasn’t that put out by his not-taking-a-shot-at-me, it actually made me chuckle. At some point he dropped back and just when I’d convinced myself I’d worn him down… with no effort at all he came up next to me, “I was drafting you again… nah, that’s a lie; I was staring at your ass…”
not the time for it yo….. not.the.time.
The second half of the ride is much easier than the 1st half – but I, admittedly, began to struggle with about 2.7 miles to go. I was pushing myself… pedaling with everything I had, sweat just dripping, doing my fair share of grunting, crouched as low as I could get to cut down on wind resistance…
I’m not gonna lie – it was at this point I started wondering a) if a person can force herself into cardiac arrest and b) could I muster the energy to do it… I looked way up ahead and there was Dan – out for a damned joy ride, taking in the fucking scenery… I swear I saw a robin land on his handlebars and heard them whistle a duet. ‘No offense but the only reason I didn’t jam a large fucking stick into your sprocket is because I couldn’t catch up to you.’
Dan loaded up the bikes (I didn’t even attempt indignation – load them bitches up, I’ll be in the car….) then we set off to get the other car and head home. To his credit, Dan stopped the trailer right in front of the shed this time…
Let me say this about all of that… I am so lucky for so many reasons. Because we live in an area that is so beautiful – kayaking today was absolutely amazing. Because I have the physical abilities to do this – albeit slowly and with lots of aches and pains. Because I have the time to devote to this event – although my house is suffering and my hours of sleep are taking a hit. Because it has brought my family closer – we’ve spent hours and hours biking and kayaking. Not to mention, Alex just found out she is not eligible to play in a softball tournament the day of the event – she was thrilled, she so badly wants to watch me do this.
But mostly because I have a husband who is so incredibly supportive of my cockamamie ideas. He makes it all possible; whether he’s taking my bike to the shop, helping me find the drop off points out in the middle of BFE, paddling with me even though his pecs are sore, carrying my oars… My husband is so much better than your husband… that’s not a shot at you…