At some point during the 30 minute ride to the resort the word “sucker” appeared on both our foreheads. During check-in we paid for a room upgrade AND agreed to check out the company’s newest resort (‘no sales pitch señora we succeed on word of mouth advertising. We just want you to see our 5 diamond resort and tell your friends back home. Is 2 hours of you time and you get a free romantic dinner on the beach’); Dan heard free so…
With check-in behind us we were escorted to our newly upgraded room (as luck would have it.. we got the LAST AVAILABLE UPGRADE) annnnnd our key didn’t work (sorta along the lines of ‘Here’s your gourmet dinner, now lemme track down some silverware…’)
Not to worry – Fernando took care of it and 15 minutes later he opened the door to serenity; my stress instantly melted… I felt younger, the world seemed simpler, Dan looked hotter… it was all coming together for me – the hours of planning led to this (no choir but there was a ray of sunlight). And then… we looked closer – listen, our son has called our house a dump and quite frankly, he ain’t far off (the kitchen and bathrooms are the exception – they are über clean, mostly, the rest of the house? squalor) yet, it seems acceptable to surround myself with my own filth – but other people’s filth…no, uhuh, no way.. yuck!
We requested another room, got it and found it acceptable (never mind we had to have the sheets changed in the 2nd room — ew). Ok let the beach vacation begin… ‘cept all our stuff was still in the filth parlor we originally checked into…
2 hours and 6 mini Coronas later, in strolled our luggage, just in time to sit on our patio and watch the downpour.
We rounded out the shit day with a fabulous dinner and a few Malibu and pineapples (always reminds me of Lal). We watched a sax player and an acrobatics show then put this less-than-stellar experience to bed.
The 1st full day in paradise started with our alarm waking us because my husband hates me; he scheduled us in the 8am “non-sales pitch” time slot. Oddly… we were the only couple in attendance. I say ‘oddly’ because the scheister who originally got us said, “You must be the luckiest people on earth… there is but 1 spot left on the 8am breakfast” – dear god our level of idiot/loserdom has never seen such heights. The tour was as one would imagine – the finest rooms, “would you be ok staying here at minimal price 2 times every year?” yadda, yadda, yadda. It got tense when I let our ‘tour guide’ know that I wasn’t happy with their tactics – he looked to Dan and said, “the lady is intimidating, no?” Dan responded with only his eyes – that knowing glance that says, buddy I’ve had 22 years of it… now it’s your turn.
During the ride to the 5-diamond I specifically told Dan, “stay strong, they got nuttin’ we want!” Sonuvabitch if he wasn’t all but inviting the sales guy to use our ‘new time share’. I couldn’t believe his level of interest; I was dumbfounded, standing there thinking, “Ya gotta be fucking kidding me…he’s hooked.” Meanwhile the guy starts talking numbers and I see the color drain from Dan’s face. “today you pay only $18,563…” hahaha suddenly, of the 2 of us – I was the most cordial.
They quickly (and with a smidge less ceremony) got us back to our resort and 22 hours later I was finally in my bathing suit. There is no word or phrase that can capture my level of disgust regarding me in minimally covering spandex – I have however, found that rum and tequila help my psyche in this regard.
The rest of the day was vacation at its finest – waves, sun, sand and nice guys making sure I never ran out of spandex therapy.
Dan and I? ….so in love. I was waxing romantic in the pool and finished up with my best eyelash-fluttering, come hither smile. He missed it – I guess he was too engrossed in the balancing of his beer with his lips in an attempt to see if it would stay afloat in the pool.
We took a romantic walk on the beach (my husband is not one to sit and relax but to his credit he did so, masterfully yesterday – the walk was my idea but I swear I saw relief when I suggested it). So we walked hand-in-hand for about an hour; sometimes talking, sometimes in comfortable silence, but always passing people (there’s no strolling with my guy). I started to worry about the sun setting (the beach has random rocks jutting out) so we decided to turn around. He looked at me, pointed to the couple ahead of us and said, “We were gaining on them and suddenly, now they’re all but sprinting…” He embodies romance (meanwhile, at the spa today, I was shouting answers at him so he could get his papers filled out before the other couple finished – my papers were the 1st to be turned in! why yes, we do have competition issues).
The romantic dinner on the beach? …was wonderfully romantic. Dan looked out and said, “look at the refection of the moon on the water, the moon is hidden behind that thatched umbrella but that makes it even more beautiful.” I leaned in to see it, my ear grazing Dan’s lips, I closed my eyes and waited for him to speak; he whispered, “Do you believe it’s been 43 years since man has walked on the moon?”
Excellent!
Good stuff! Cracking up!