Sorry I’ve been off the grid for a while… so far 2018 has been pretty eventful with our annual family trip from Santa, Alex’s Sweet 16, Abby’s Lyme diagnosis, my dad’s open heart surgery, my first wedding acting as the officiant….
yah…. you read that right.
Each of those events warranted blog posts (and they might still pop up…) but particularly that last one deserves further discussion, amirite?
Some background: my family and the groom’s family are bound tightly by many years of friendship. His grandparents and my parents have been friends since high school and his little sister and Alex are besties; Dan and I blur the generation divide by not only being close friends with the groom’s mom and stepdad but also with him and his brother. We’re included in all their family functions; I even photoshopped dad and the 5 I’s into a pre-existing family photo as an anniversary gift.
Josh (the groom) and Leah (his bride) are at our house from time to time, mostly out of boredom but also because -for whatever reason – they just enjoy hanging out with us. We’ve had plenty of fun with those two and we’ve had plenty of serious conversations but I gotta say… never did I ever imagine I’d be pronouncing them husband and wife.
(I added the lower picture because… well.. what the hell is going on with my face??? I swear I’m happy for them!)
Josh texted me about 6 months ago and asked what we had going on that night; that he and Leah needed to talk to me. Once they got here we did the typical “hi, have a beer” and I asked, “have you made any more wedding decisions?” Leah looked at Josh and said, “as a matter of fact last night we decided who’s going to do the ceremony…”
“Oh that’s exciting! Who?”
“You!”
“huh?”
“We both decided we want you to do it.”
“huh?”
“We don’t go to church regularly so we don’t feel close to any pastors and we want someone we respect and love and who knows us well; so we decided we aren’t getting married unless you do it.”
“huh?”
This conversation or some semblance of it went on for about 3 months. I gave these 2 crazy kids so many outs… “if you change your mind I won’t be offended, I promise… this is a really big thing so please think it through.”
I think they started to get irritated with me so I resigned myself to the idea that they wanted me. ‘Resigned’ has a negative connotation… please don’t take that to mean I wasn’t honored and touched… I used ‘resigned’ because I just didn’t/don’t feel qualified as a human being for such a momentous task. I mean for criminy sakes Josh doesn’t even trust me with my own fantasy football team (he’s constantly barraging me with suggestions, and they are never worded nicely; “what the hell is going on with your team? do you even look at it???”), yet he felt comfortable entrusting me with something so magnanimous – just didn’t seem like a good idea to me.
Once I warmed up to the idea (that’s being generous… even now, with it behind me, I still think I wasn’t a great choice…) I set out to see what needed to be done. I signed on to the Universal Life Church – a common avenue for average Joes who want to perform weddings. I read everything on their site pertaining to the legality of it all and called the courthouse to make sure being ordained in this manner held up legally. Nobody could give me a straight answer; the recurring response was – I’m not sure about that… read the law.
And to be fair – the law is pretty clear – I made it confusing. But I’d heard of other people officiating weddings with the same “credentials” so I let it drop and went about my business; falling back on the website’s claim that it is binding (in their defense they also encouraged reading of the law)
I won’t keep you in suspense… it’s not legal (in Pennsylvania, that is – most other states allow it) and I found that out on Wednesday… the wedding was Saturday.
The drama was very real for about 5 hours – a call to my attorney, texts to various people, tracking down clergy people – but in the end I found a pastor who agreed to work with me and make everything legal. Anybody who wonders if or thinks Leah may have been a bridezilla… think again… this girl was cool as a cucumber. I had to tell her what I’d discovered (that I wasn’t legal) so that she could tell me what she wanted me to do – I was going to make it right but I needed her input… I told her then said, “I’ll fix it, I promise.” She texted back, “ok”
ok
3 days before her wedding she finds out her “minister” isn’t actually legal and she basically says, ‘I trust you’. She’s a nut – I’d screwed up everything and she says, “ok.”
So… back to the early stages when I was getting ordained.
After (what I thought was) thoroughly researching the whole mess; I chose the Universal Life Church but put it off for weeks because I just felt overwhelmed by what I imagined to be a labor intensive, very involved process. Finally, one night in February the pharmacy was particularly slow and I thought I’d start the process and see how far I got. I logged onto the website, answered some questions: name, email, state/county and created a password. I got everything filled in, took a deep breath and thought, here goes nothing… (thinking of the readings and activities I’d undoubtedly face) then hit ‘enter’ – a screen popped up that said, “Congratulations you are an ordained minister!”
No shit… that was it. It was embarrassingly simple for such an awesome responsibility. I took it upon myself to read various books and articles about officiating weddings but basically you just have to make up a unique password to be called a minister – you can even use the Google suggested password – it literally takes no effort… just some cash.
I got my paperwork in the mail a few days later – I have a parking permit, a media pass – it’s absolutely mind blowing.
I’ll add the script of the ceremony below; you can gather from that how I got my thoughts together and how dedicated I was to the process. I didn’t read straight from the script so the actual ceremony wasn’t recited verbatim but I think I did a pretty good job of keeping it close.
I got quite a few compliments afterward. The sound guy asked how many services I’d officiated; I told him this was my first. He was dumfounded – “I’ve done my fair share of these things and that was one of the best I’ve ever heard.”
The photographers were a husband and wife pair who were celebrating their 11th wedding anniversary; the wife said, “the part about the rings was so spot on and it really hit home with us… thank you, your words were like an anniversary gift to us.”
A co-worker of Josh came up and introduced himself then said, “I can’t imagine a better send off into married life than you just gave them. It was perfect and really nailed their personalities.”
My cousin Janet and the groom’s grandmother Linda, who was so close to my mom, both told me mom would have been very proud of me… that just about wrecked me. Janet’s husband hugged me immediately after the ceremony and congratulated me on a job well done – you’d have to know Richie to know how touching that was (he’s a magnificent man, but he’s reserved… his hug was quite honestly the most meaningful compliment I received).
It was hot – I did a tremendous amount of sweating – heat, nerves, menopause… My hair resembled Troy Polamalu’s (or Monica’s in Barbados) and I fumbled my words a little, but I think I did ok – for my first (AND LAST) wedding ceremony. I am sitting here today, a day later wondering what on Earth those two were thinking when they asked me, but also feeling such love in my heart for them and hoping I lived up to the amazing honor they bestowed upon me…
Here is the transcript of the ceremony – I’ve added comments in blue that will clarify some things. As I mentioned… I didn’t read directly from this so it doesn’t perfectly represent what I actually said, but it gives you an idea.
Good afternoon; we are gathered here today… ok… part of me is here just because I wanted to see if Leah was actually going to go through with this… (Richard brings me $20 as if he’d lost a bet) Richard is my cousin, and Josh’s cousin (different sides) he’s also one of Josh’s best friends – this was well received… got good laughs
Josh and Leah have brought us together this afternoon for an event that is cause for great joy and celebration and they have chosen each of you to be here with them not only to celebrate their union but also to bear witness to the promises they are about to make to each other and subsequently to do your part to hold them to those promises.
Who gives this bride to be married to this man? Her parents and I do
Thank you RJ (nod at RJ and he will go to his seat)
Please be seated
Josh and Leah would you please face each other and join hands
When Josh and Leah asked me to do this I laughed it off… for weeks. I begged them to ask somebody else… for a thousand reasons. I can assure you – nobody is more surprised that I’m up here doing this than I am. But once I resigned myself to the fact they weren’t going to let me off the hook I decided I’d do everything I could to make sure my first and only wedding stays a success. To that end, I thought about Josh and Leah and I asked myself if I was absolutely sure they were ready for this… now… for Leah, the answer was easy and it wasn’t so much a specific incident. I’ve known Leah for a long time and the one thing she’s made perfectly clear is her love for Josh. I can think of so many conversations during which she said, “I don’t remember not wanting to marry Josh. I just don’t remember a time that I didn’t want to be his wife.” So, for as long as I’ve known Leah; I’ve known of her commitment to Josh.
Josh on the other hand… is no less in love with Leah but with him – it was actually an ah-ha moment. We were sitting at my kitchen table and we were discussing either Josh’s intent to buy the engagement ring or his plan for proposing. I asked him, “You’ve been dating for a long time… what made you decide to ask her now?” And he looked me right in the eyes and said, “Karen… for a very long time I wanted to change Leah; to make her into the person that I thought she should be. And at some point, and I’m not sure when it was, but all the sudden I realized I like Leah and I don’t want to change her. I love her as she is and I want to marry Leah not some version of her I’ve created.” And that’s when I knew Josh was ready to marry the girl he loves. I cried here a little so I literally shouted, “Listen… I’m going thru menopause… there will be some crying from me!”
Josh and Leah asked me to do a reading and they’ve chosen 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8… In the name of full disclosure I want everybody to know I have no religious background. I have a deep and profound belief in God but my specific beliefs don’t fit into any specific religion and because of that, I’ve never read the bible nor sought a church. So when Josh and Leah asked me to do this reading I felt I owed it to them, the devout people here and to the author to find out more about this selection. My first act was to read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 and after doing so I thought to myself that these words shouldn’t be held only to weddings – they should be spoken to all people as a guideline for all relationships. You can imagine my surprise when I learned that the apostle Paul actually did write these words not to a bride and groom, but to the entire people of Corinth. You see, Paul had learned that these people were vying to be the favorite of God but Paul said, “God has no favorites, he loves abundantly but equally and to feel this love, you simply need to embody that love.” He then went on to define the love he encouraged. So, today I urge you to not only hear the words that Paul wrote but to listen to them and understand them and then I challenge you to make them part of your every interaction, not just with your spouse or kids or parents… I challenge you to bring to this world the love it so desperately needs:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
what a beautiful description of love and the perfect words to guide us in all our relationships. Josh and Leah have gone a step further by choosing vows that perfectly capture their own personal love story
[to the couple] Spend your lives being true to these promises.
Leah, repeat after me:
I, Leah, take you, Joshua, as my forever friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of God, our family and friends, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, and in life as well as in death. I promise to love you unconditionally, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you in this life and in the next.
Leah, do you take Joshua to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do
Joshua, repeat after me:
Leah, I Joshua, take you as you are, loving who you are now and who you are yet to become. I promise to listen to you and learn from you, to support you and accept your support in all that life may bring us. I will celebrate your triumphs and mourn your losses as though they are my own. I will love you and have faith in your love for me, through all our years in this life and in the next.
Joshua, do you take Leah to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do
May I have the rings, please (Wes hands me the rings). I’ve gotta say… in all the times I’ve imagined Wes giving me a ring – none of you people were there Wes is Josh’s brother and best man – for years I’ve joked about how attractive he is; I often – publicly – comment about wanting to be his girlfriend. I wanted to give Wes’ wife a wink but I couldn’t find her – she said she wishes she’d have waved her ring in the air – she’s awesome about taking my unabashed flirting in stride. This brought a great deal of laughter
Josh and Leah have chosen to exchange rings as a physical reminder of the promises they’ve made to each other. It is usually at this point that the rings are described as never-ending circles, no beginning, no end… that’s too cliché for this ceremony. Instead, I’m going to offer some advice – and why not? I mean, I’ve sustained a 21-year only semi-dysfunctional marriage…
Josh and Leah please face me
As I considered all the standard comments about the rings, I knew I wanted to say something different; I just didn’t know what. So, I looked down at my own wedding rings and the first thought that hit me is: I am worthy of a way bigger diamond (I glare at Dan) then it occurred to me that the life of the rings so clearly parallels the life of the marriage. Look at these rings – they’re shiny and new and they catch your eye with their sparkle. And for a time, you will be enthralled by this new addition. You’ll find yourself looking down at your ring often and spot shining it frequently, but one day… and everybody’s time table is different – it might be a year, 6 months, maybe only a month – nobody’s timetable is right or wrong; one day the novelty of the rings will wear off. You’ll forget it’s on your finger and after a period of time something will draw your attention to it and you’ll realize – it’s lost its shine, it’s got a haze about it… it’s picked up dirt from everyday wear and tear. You wouldn’t dare toss the ring aside… it just needs a little attention. And the same goes for your marriage. This isn’t marriage (wave at the “celebration”) marriage is going to work every day, paying your mortgage, figuring out what to make for dinner, falling asleep on the couch at 8:30… it’s drudgery at its finest. But just as your ring has a precious metal hiding under the day to day… so does your marriage have a precious love under the everyday life. Take a minute to make your marriage sparkle… it’s ok to get lost in your everyday but make the promise to wipe away the every day build up every now and again. Promise me you’ll do that. (they both promised)
I don’t feel comfortable blessing these rings I dropped Josh’s ring at this point so I said, “I clearly don’t feel comfortable holding on to them either” then started this part over, because of my lack of religious affiliation – but what I am sure of; what I feel confident in is that every good thing on this earth is a product of God’s love. Your marriage and these rings are no exception – they are the result of God’s love; wear them with the knowledge that they are a product of the love God shines down on you.
Please face each other
Leah, place this ring on Joshua’s finger as you repeat after me:
With this ring, I thee wed
Joshua, place this ring on Leah’s finger as you repeat after me:
With this ring, I thee wed
Joshua and Leah, in the presence of family and friends you have expressed your love for one another by making promises, declaring your intent and exchanging rings and now I joyfully declare you to be husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.
It is my heartfelt honor to present to you: Mr. and Mrs. Joshua Garland
