Where’s the bathroom and what time is lunch?

Today I’m starting a new “job” – ok, ok, ok its a hobby not a job, nonetheless… toilets and eating are high priority no matter my purpose.

Welcome to my blog!  From the outset you need to know a few things:

• I have to be one of the most technologically challenged individuals on the face of the earth so don’t expect this thing to be high tech – the fact that I got to this point is simply a testament to my competitive-to-the-point-of-being-a-pain-in-the-ass nature
• this is a blog about my family – period; you will learn nothing, you will never know my political views, my religious beliefs or any causes that I support.  I am here to entertain you with the quirky goings-on of my family.  I gave up facebook and my friends said, “please blog, we need your stories.”  You hate my blog? Fine, I’ll give you the names of all those blog pushers
• I am passionate about 6 things in life: my oldest daughter Alex, my son Cal, my youngest Abby, my husband Dan, my dad Dan (odd, right?) and the Green Bay Packers.  At the moment this list is ordered correctly (with all 3 kids tied for 1st) – this order is not static…  it changes depending on the season (football vs. non-football), my menstrual cycle, the state of my home, my level of sobriety, etc….
• I swear
• a lot
• I will unmercifully ridicule my family.  I will praise them too, but mostly I’ll make fun of them.  I’ll throw myself into the grinder here and there in a show of solidarity but mostly I’m here to draw attention to my faimly’s typical, everyday idiocy.  There will be the occasional proud mom moment but that shit irritates the crap outta me so I’ll keep it to a minimum.
• If you were my friend on facebook – I apologize for the redundancy.  Many of my stories are going to be rehashed for my new audience (awfully optimistic aren’t I?)
• I write it like I say it – my college writing professor would be aghast.  She was a hateful, hateful woman however, so maybe this is my way of exacting revenge, posthumously…
• I’ve never done anything like this so please be gentle with me
• I’m long winded (I added this one after I completed this draft)

Now, if my love of the Packers didn’t deter you and you’re still hanging on, I’ll tell you a little about the main characters – the 5 I’s and Pop (my dad).

Dan and I met at work in 1993, decided to get married in ’97 and go to pharmacy school together (awful, AWFUL idea – the “together” part that is) and the day before graduation (2001) we found out there was going to be 3 Isemingers on that University at Buffalo stage (…could be why I craved cheese and cried constantly; although both still hold true all these years postpartum).  We moved to Everett, Pennsylvania a few days after graduation. I was born in Everett and my parents were slated to retire in Everett in a few short years; the decision was fairly straightforward.

Over the next 5 years (2002-2006) we had our 3 kids – “we” ha! ‘We’ were cut from our bellybutton to our baby-maker 3 times (it seems a bad thing… three C-sections… but a quick glance at Cal’s head and you’ll agree – #2 was a good decision).

Fast forward to 2009 when Dan and I bought the independent pharmacy for which I had worked the previous 8 years.  We still own the store; I love it and my customers, unabashedly.  I’ll complain about insurance companies and such from time to time but my philosophy is this: everybody’s job sucks, mine’s no different, other than the reason(s) it sucks; I refuse to bore you with how unfairly my profession is treating me (sometimes the sheer lunacy of it all pushes me to write something, I’ll apologize for those posts now).

In 2011 I sat in a little, teeny, tiny room with my dad and a neurosurgeon who told us we had, at most, 15 months with my mom; fucking brain cancer gave us a whopping 107 days with her.  It’s not something I talk about, my gut-wrenching, heart-stopping, life-altering grief is my own; all you need to know is – I feel it with every breath I take.  I will mention my mom (Lalee) here and there but I don’t grieve publicly (that’s not to say it’s wrong for those who do, it’s just not for me).

My dad (Pop – yes my kids’ grandparents are Lalee and Pop, purely coincidental) is the most rugged, bad-ass I know.  He worked construction for 40 some odd years, is outdoorsy, lives for Nascar, the Steelers and my kids.  He’s a hulk of a man and I’m pretty sure, at the age of 66, my dad can beat up your dad on any given day.  I look like my mom (she was prettier) and I act like my dad (my language is worse) – this combination has worked out ok for me but I’m only 45 years in so who knows how it’ll turn out….

Dan is my soulmate; of this, I have no question.  He is also the biggest pain in my ass I’ve ever come across; this, too, is undeniable.  This guy is borderline ADD and OCD with a little bit of hoarding issues thrown in for good measure; I am a type A organizational freak – let that union sink in for a minute or 2.  He’s the best pharmacist I know and his professional capabilities are overshadowed only by his prowess as a human being and a dad.  He’s handsome and obscurely rugged (him on a 4-wheeler really gets me worked up).  He knows all kindsa shit without ever reading (“I wanted to read that comic strip but did you see how many words it had?”).  What he’s most famous for? putting up with me and my baggage for 20 or so years.  He is my very best friend in the world and the person I most often want to stab in the eye.

My kids are 14, 12 and 9;  and you will get to know them pretty well.  Alexandra is a phenomenal student, an ok basketball player (she’s afraid to dribble and shoot [true story] – rebounding is her specialty), she’s a kick ass catcher and plays the sax; she taught herself the clarinet.  She is an old soul, was born that way – even down to her fashion sense.  Most days I could punch her in her teenage-girl throat but she made me a mom and she’s utterly perfect.

Calvin is the dumbest smart kid I know.  His mind is brilliant – his common sense is nonexistent.  He is a ridiculous athlete (and promises to let me pitch to him in the MLB All-Star Home Run Derby someday) and a pretty decent musician in his own right.  He is the kindest, sweetest, most big-hearted kid I’ve ever met.  A momma and her boy… he melts my heart every.single.day.

Abigail is… trouble, we’ve called her ‘Demon Spawn’ from the start.  She is my kindred-spirit; she loves hard and hates harder.  I have a feeling she’s going to be our basketball star but her true love is gymnastics. Abby is very bright but we admittedly did wrong by her – the other 2 had beaten us down by the time she came along and we didn’t make the time to work with her; she holds her own but it’s more of a struggle.  Whereas Cal has no common sense – Abby, at the ripe old age of 9, is street smart.    This girl is a little sprite of a thing with a sharp sense of fashion and the body to pull it off.

Me?  I’m a chubby, cynical, graying red-head, with control issues – Dan is one lucky sombitch…

These are the main characters of my life but there are literally hundreds of supporting characters – I have friends from every walk of life and they will find their way into my stories.  If you’re looking for mindless entertainment at the expense of some pretty fun people… you’ve come to the right blog!