…it was Mother’s Day???????

I’m pretty close to breaking the surface of my Benadryl® haze so I thought I’d give this a go. I can’t promise to be clear or even followable, though….

First let me say – diphenhydramine is the shit.

pollen bringin’ you down? get yourself some diphenhydramine.

can’t sleep? got a sore throat from drainage? grab the diphenhydramine.

poison ivy itch driving you crazy? diphenhydramine to the rescue.

bug/spider bite causing your arm to transform into a red, swollen, hot, itchy, club-like structure, that no longer resembles an appendage? say ‘goodbye’ to an entire day of your life and kick it back.

That last one was my experience, by the way. Oh! as a responsible, licensed, healthcare provider I would be remiss if I failed to mention: please follow the dosing guidelines found on the bottle. I, personally, never measure my dose. I use the liquid – but only because the pills would likely induce a multi-week coma. I put the bottle to my lips, tilt back, let the liquid hit my closed lips, pull the bottle away and lick off my lips – then I’m out in 10 minutes and have an antihistamine hangover when I wake up 8 hours later.

Light

Weight….

Now that I may or may not have absolved myself of any responsibility involving diphenhydramine abuse, I’ll carry on…

The really weird part about this bug bite situation is – 10 days ago I spent the entire day doing some Mother’s Day gardening (flowers) – with zero insect or bug incidents. But Saturday…  whist lollygagging in a recliner all day – I nearly lost my arm to a venom injecting asshole.

Full disclosure: my arm wasn’t grotesquely disfigured, or even badly disfigured for that matter… it did make my whole body itch, though. Ok, to be honest, the bite actually only  made the area surrounding the bite itch, my mind made the rest of my body itch… but it DID swell up and get red and hot to the touch – that part was actually true.

Oh! and about the planting… apparently it is widely known that gardening should probably be done on or after Mother’s Day. Then why in the hell would anybody sell plants BEFORE Mother’s Day? That’s like putting out Christmas stuff in Octob…

oh wait….

Anyway, it’s the day after Mother’s Day and I’ve got $300 worth of death and regret spread across six planters and a small patch in the yard, a mysterious bite on my arm and the better part of a day lost to an antihistamine that should be illegal.

Poor Dan… every night he runs out and covers the stuff in the yard and hauls the planters back into the house… bless his frugal soul. To show my respect and appreciation for his efforts I plan to be very secretive when I replace these bowls of annihilation one-by-one over the next few weeks. I’ll even make a concerted effort to conspicuously move the bottle of Miracle Grow® every few days.  I mean… it’s the least I can do – let him believe deep down in his wallet that I’ve saved these posies.

Sadly, the flowers were the bulk of my Mother’s Day gift. Oh… am I supposed to say my kids are my “greatest Mother’s Day gift”? Cause, quite frankly, the Year of the CornTeen has me not really feeling it. It was an amazing gift that I never, EVER take for granted – to have had these people with me every minute for those 9 months while I was making them – now, many years later, with them being able to speak, it’s fucking irritating.

Every minute

Every day

Every breath

I actually left 2 of them with Dan at his mom’s house yesterday and came home early with the third one, who had to work. I felt a little bad ditching them but at this point I’ve spent so much time with Cal that I think I might actually be involved in a relationship with one of the announcers on his 2K video game – I see that guy more than I see Dan.

The most Karen-esque part of it all is – I came home and took the damn diphenhydramine and fell asleep. I finally got some friggin alone time and I slept. Come on – you guys know me… it’s not like I was gonna sit here watching porn or checking the deadly sins off my to do list or anything, but I gotta say… I was hoping for more than laying on the couch, dozing my way through Mommie Dearest.

Which brings up another interesting Mother’s Day anomaly. The only movie on tv yesterday, that in any way related to the day’s honorees, was a movie about an unhinged, alcoholic, whore of a mother. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly not a sew-your-Halloween-costume or bake-a-loaf-of-bread or I’ll-do-your-laundry-even-after-you-turn-8 kind of mom but I’m also not beating them with a can of bathroom cleaner or sitting on them while choking the last bit of air out of their lungs.

Dan told me I should’ve just streamed something.  I don’t even know what the hell that means. If Cal leaves the tv in video game mode when he’s done, I sit in front of a black screen until somebody comes in to the room and saves me. Streaming seems out of my league. Not to mention, as I told Dan when he offered to teach me, “I tv to the tune of about 12 hours every day and that’s with limited options. I don’t need to get any better at it.”

So, I slept through my day – dreaming of wire hangers and spiders the size of Connecticut with my arm on fire and my whole body itching…

Between medicine naps Alex, Dan and I finished a puzzle that the kids and I started the night before. Actually Alex and I stayed up until 3 in the morning from Saturday to Sunday working on that thing. I’d like to think it was simple fondness for each other that kept us going, but I know us well enough to know it was actually a test of wills. I was so tired I thought I was going to vomit and told Alex as much. She admitted she felt the same.

So we kept at it for 20 more minutes.

Then as Alex stood with the same puzzle piece in her hand for 7 minutes looking over the empty spots, I said, “I can’t do this anymore…” Alex tossed her piece on the table and walked away without a word.

Abby was out early. “If we have to turn over every piece before we even start, then I’m not getting involved.”

Cal hung on a little longer but, true to form, did more damage than good. Knocking pieces on the floor, leaning on the puzzle and having it stick to his hand when he lifted it up….

If you ever need to sum up my children in a sentence or two – refer back to this situation.

I’m one of those irritating people who has the kind of life that is Mother’s Day every day. My husband dotes on me daily, my kids love on me and are free with their affection all the time, and I eat dessert whenever I want.

I am in love with my family. I mean – head over heels, sometimes-can’t-breath-because-my-heart -is-so-full in love with these 4 people.  Diphenhydramine can’t take that from me…

Ya wanna see the bite?