Ugh… I guess I can’t put this off any longer. I was trying to wait until I felt like writing one of my usual, self-deprecating, humorous stories but… it’s just not happening. I think I’ve finally reached my social-distancing, quarantine limit.
At the end of last week I started to notice a heaviness in my chest and an exhaustion in my soul. My heart was racing like I’d run a 4-minute mile wile I couldn’t even imagine walking a single lap on the track. My mind was a whirlwind of absolutely nothing – it wouldn’t shut down but it also couldn’t focus on a single, clear thought. My head and throat hurt from holding back tears and my eyes burned from the nearly-constant stream of tears.
I think it’s safe to say I am suffering moderate depression.
It came at me full force Friday – I have some recollection of specific incidents but no recollection of the day as a whole. I spent the better part of the day crying and listlessly watching, but not paying attention to, the tv. It hung on through the weekend and into today – although I do feel like it’s lifting, if even just a little.
I wish I could explain how embarrassing it is for me to admit this. And not in the this-world-is-full-of-judgmental-prigs sorta way. I’m not embarrassed for people to know I’m depressed and having panic attacks, but because I am the person people come to for help. I am the person people seek out when they are struggling.
I’m embarrassed because my ego is damaged, plain and simple.
As far as the judgmental prigs go – fuck ’em. If they think I just need to “pull myself up by the bootstraps and get over it” let ’em. All I can say is: I’ll stop being depressed when you stop letting your blood clot so much, dickhead.
Depression is a chemical imbalance – a medical condition. It’s no more self-controllable than blood clots, high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, or any other disease. Which is to say – it is, to some extent, self-controllable. Like all diseases, life-style changes can help. But also like other diseases, it may require medication. Personally, I had a bad reaction to an antidepressant about 16 years ago, so I will do everything in my power to not need to medicate. But I can assure you thousands upon thousands upon hundreds of thousands of patients have used them with no adverse affects. It is up to you and your doctor to make this call – but I implore you: do NOT let misguided, jaded, unfairly-negative, public opinion keep you from it.
My single request is: please develop a treatment plan with your doctor. If you start an antidepressant regimen – start slow and go up easily. And please, please, please have a plan for getting off the meds. Treatment for depression is meant to be short-term (and the definition of short-term, is loose, at best). Do NOT be embarrassed by the need for medication but do your best to avoid it becoming a life-long dependency.
You can take the pharmacist out of the pharmacy….
My personal struggle is embarrassing to me for another reason – you see… my life is damn near perfect. I have a kind, generous, helpful husband who adores me and is also not-too-hard on the eyes. I have kids who are kind, funny, successful, well-liked and who also adore me. I have a home, that for many years, leaned toward condemnable but of late is making a helluva reach toward pleasant. I have wonderful friends. We have money in the bank – not so much that I feel the need to dress nicely but enough that I can buy brand name sweatpants.
so why in the hell am I so down? and why can’t I completely shake it????
Because this world is in a state like nothing we’ve ever known before, that’s why. Stay-at-home orders and constant political vitriol have broken me. Throw in some peri-menopause, the unexpected loss of my father-in-law (causing me to worry about Dan), the uncertainty of the world in general but more specifically, my kids’ next school year and our oldest kid graduating and you have the makins of an emotional shit storm that is spiraling out of control (although… honest to pete, I do feel a little better today).
My days used to consist of working, attending some event (game, concert, etc), eating whatever take-out food we could find on our way home then dropping into bed, exhausted and bitching about doing it all again the next day.
Now my days consist of washing dishes (our dishwasher broke 6 months ago but I couldn’t justify buying another with me having so much time on my hands), laundry (I only do mine and Dan’s and I wear the same shit a lot… where the fuck is all of this laundry coming from?) and sitting around listening to how bored my kids are, then dropping into bed, mentally exhausted and bitching about doing it all again the next day.
Poor Dan is still working, essential SOB. He comes home everyday, jealous of the people having extended time off, to me sobbing because I have extended time off. When I was pregnant with Alex, I was put on bed rest for 2 weeks. One evening Dan came home to me, in the kitchen, scooping ice cream, “What are you doing?!?!?!?! Get back in bed, I’ll get that for you!”
I broke the bowl when I slammed it on the counter, “AT LEAST YOU GET TO GO TO WORK EVERYDAY!”
My God I can spin anything in my favor…
Also, as much as I’d like to blame the growing prodigy in my belly for that ice cream craving and emotional outburst… neither can be attributed to the pregnancy hormones… both are just straight up me.
Now… back to the point I so eloquently glossed over – depression being affected by life-style changes.
Because of my history with depression meds I am working on life-style changes. And it’s working – FOR ME. I’m telling you about my experiences because I want you to have hope that things can get better. I’m not giving you a road map to YOUR LIFE or getting better. If you like my ideas – put them to use. If, after reading about my methods, you get different ideas for helping yourself – that’s fabulous. If you just walk away from this message knowing that things can get better, then I can walk away feeling good that I came clean about my issues.
First – I have people. I most solidly lean on Dan. I am noticeably more anxious when he’s not home. It’s a tremendous responsibility for him to shoulder but as with everything, he does so without even knowing he’s remarkable. I have my kids. The constant togetherness has taken a toll on my psyche but ironically, they’re also my primary source of comfort, strength and a level of joy that no other human beings can offer. I have about 6 best friends (quit judging, I’m a lot to handle, way too much for a single person). My person in times of high anxiety is Annie. And the most important part here is – she KNOWS she’s that person. It’s important that your person know he or she is your person. Annie calms me just by being present. I think mostly I just catch her in the middle of her shit show and realize mine could be much worse (that’s obviously a joke but she’ll appreciate it).
Second – I exercise. But here’s the kicker – I.like.to.exercise. so it’s not a push or a stretch for me. I enjoy jogging and yoga. Both have their place in keeping me grounded. I enjoy pushing myself on a run (although, me pushing myself is wholly different than other people… a sub-12-minute mile is reason for celebration). I love being outside and listening to stupid music… it’s all very cathartic. As for yoga – I am stiff and sore almost all the time and yoga fixes that. I’ve found Yoga with Adriene to be the best for me. I recently read a review that said, “Adriene is the Bob Ross and Mister Rogers of the yoga world. She speaks directly to you and is calming”. And it’s true. She will push you to go further and love you when you stumble. You want to be better for her but you don’t fear failure… she’s amazing. Most days I have to forcefully remind myself how much better I feel after exercise. I wake up, come up with every excuse in the book to not exercise then finally realize that I’ll feel better if I do and I get after it.
But some days… I just don’t… and that’s ok, too. I just try not to allow myself to go more than 2 days without some form of exercise. Embrace a habit that you love – exercise or puzzling (any kind – crosswords, math, actual puzzles with pieces, whatever), drawing, painting, walking, photography… find something that interests you. And find a way to stick with it.
Third – eat healthy. Not all day, every day. But sugar is an addiction and it will bring you down. If you spend an entire day in bed but you eat an apple instead of an ice cream sandwich – fucking celebrate. Try to grocery shop when you’re in a good state – if you go when you’re down you will buy only junk. And please, if you eat a bag of chocolate chips in a single sitting – don’t be too hard on yourself. Just let yourself try to be better tomorrow.
Those are my 3 biggies – people, exercise, diet. There are other things I could go on about but… the fact is – everybody is different. We all experience life (including depression) differently. I don’t respond well to people offering suggestions… my mind spins enough without trying to deflect unsolicited ideas. It’s overwhelming to me. I gotta do it on my own (*said the lady who is writing an entire blog about how to fix you*).
I’m trying to learn to steer clear of social media. Social media is the night club of communication. E’body out here showing off the best of their best… while you’re sitting there feeling inadequate. I’m hugely guilty of using social media to show off… it’s what we do. But if you’re struggling to find the perspective to realize that it’s not reality, you will just let it eat away at any positivity you may have mustered. You don’t need that shit. Get away from social media when you’re really down… it will just pull you further into the depths of despair (or worse, it will end with you ranting like a lunatic and then feeling embarrassed about it later… or so I’ve heard…).
I’m being kind to myself for the most part. And I’m very open with my kids – so they know my snipping and grouchiness is not on them (although, when they’re fighting about who pours the milk for dinner most often… it might be on them). I forgive myself if I spend a day fusing with my recliner and I brag myself up when I do good things. Today is a good day for me…
Listen, you wouldn’t stand by while some asshole judged a friend, right? So why are you standing by allowing you to blast yourself? Stop it… cut yourself the same slack you’d cut anybody else.
The world is getting the best of me a lot these days. I’ve got a fracture in my foundation but I’m just not ready to crumble.
Yes, I’m depressed. But I’m worth fighting for…