Oiy… I’m not one for airing my issues on social media… hahaha whaddabuncha bull – I’m a naked selfie away from being Kim Kardashian. I guess I’m not really accustom to sharing heartfelt stuff. More than the people who pour their hearts out on these sites though, I loathe the enablers; the people who fall for the ‘woes me’ stuff. So, for your own sake, read this post and move on… wordlessly.
I don’t even know where to start so I’ll just dive in… I think I’ve made the wrong career choice. To be fair – pharmacy was never really my passion, I enjoy it and I think I’m fairly good at it but I don’t LOVE it; Dan LOVES it and he’s just BETTER at it because of that. I love my customers and I am eternally grateful for the connections I’ve made, but I am in NO way a nurturer and I truly feel like healthcare people should have a smidge of nurture in their souls.
Please understand that I treat every customer like family; that’s my motto – ‘treat every customer as if they were family’… it’s just that I treat my family like shit. I would give the Duggars a run for their money if I could start with 9 month old kids, keep them for 4 months then pick them up again at say… age 8. I have literally zero desire to be needed. When my own children are sick I have compassion for about 17 seconds then Dan takes over (for the record I’d prefer nobody give a hang about me when I’m sick either). Dan would probably say I’m way more nurturing than I give myself credit for, but I think he’s just trying to convince himself that I’ll be diligent when changing his diapers later in life…
Anyway… I’ve really been struggling lately; REALLY been struggling. Like… I-could-sell-the-store-if-I-wouldn’t-be-thought-a-failure kind of struggling. This week has been especially difficult with serious patient health issues, people asking for favors and an unusual 57 hour work week. My dead, black heart has been pushed to its limit the last 9 or so days.
And let’s not forget – one mistake and I could kill a person – why would somebody with my personality get a job in which killing people is an option (er, I mean possible, accidental consequence).
I don’t want to be needed, I don’t want to grant favors, I have no desire to be counted on… I don’t want the late night calls, the weekends spent researching for a friend in Kentucky who doesn’t have faith in his pharmacist or the 30 people everyday who call and “need to speak to Karen”. I want to sit around and be the selfish asshole that I was intended to be…
I’m a jerk (enablers: beware! this statement will draw you in — stand.strong.). I’m ok with my jerkdom, Dan has grown accustom to my jerkiness and soon my kids will quit expecting more…
My struggle is real. It’s so real I actually, finally, mentioned it to Claudette today (who’s Claudette? She’s me, only she shares Dan’s blood line and more pleasant disposition). Yes… I mentioned to her that perhaps… just maybe… I’m second guessing my career choice.
Ya know what happened only minutes after sending that text?
I looked up and saw the wife of a favorite customer and she was crying; she asked to talk to me. I went to the counter and listened as she said, while choking back sobs, “Karen, my husband is very ill. He probably will not make it, the doctors say there’s not much hope; so I felt the need to come here and tell you how very special you are to him. He adores you. He would come home from his trips to the pharmacy and just talk about you and how wonderful you are. You are extremely important to him and he values your opinion over most doctor’s opinions. I’m still holding out hope that he will beat this but, if he doesn’t, you need to know that he thinks the world of you.”
I grabbed her hand and squeezed it, unable to talk for a few moments and then I excused myself and went to the bathroom to cry. I cried for him, for her, for their 60 years together, for all of those chats we shared that were important but seemed insignificant if you know what I mean; and I cried for myself because now I’m more confused than ever…………………..
Ahhh sweetheart, you can’t fathom just what a nurturer you are without even knowing it. If in doubt, just read the next to last paragraph of this post. I KNOW there are many, many more people who feel the same way…Uncle Ellis and I included. I can’t imagine how overwhelmed you get with your business, all I know is I couldn’t handle it with the grace, humor and dignity you do. But in the same breathe, you have to do what makes you happy. Life is too short to be unhappy. Love you.
I thought I said don’t tell me how wonderful I am…. thank you Shirl – thank you for understanding. I love you.
“HUGS”Karen…Prayers for answers and prayers for comfort for your friend and her husband.
Thanks Diane 🙂
Chill, girl! You are your own worst critic. We all have our shortcomings. You are teaching your kids to be strong, independent people. For most of us parents, that is our goal. It’s a mean world out there. As for the business well…time is your biggest investment. You will never be a failure, whatever you are doing. The good thing is that you will never need to go out and look for volunteer work to do…you are already doing it! If you are really unhappy doing what you do, turn it over to Dan and go out and find your bliss! But think about what your goals are very carefully. Thank you. I have now exhausted all my wisdom for the day and go back to my usual dumdom.